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Now I Know that Arousal Differs for Men and Women

In 2016, I was on a dating spree with married men. Wives beware ;-). Well, what I gauged from those men during those affairs was a need to get spice and eroticism in their otherwise comfortable but boring sex life. Almost in each relationship I had, the common premise was high sexual libido that a comfortable married life was unable to provide.

And thus in choosing to form an intimate relationship with those men, I kind of bore the brunt of their post-fatherhood, decade-old unsatisfied sexual libido. The men would quickly want to have a sex chat, sex talk, or get into vagina pleasuring. And I found it highly distasteful, not knowing the reason because it was consensual. I could not understand why is it that despite loving the man, I’m not ready for a sexual encounter. At the bed and in the car, I would freeze when the man touched my private parts. On one such date, a married man and I went for a secret date, long drive to Kharghar (at the outskirts of Mumbai). I was wearing a knee length short dress and was basking in the love and attention of my married to some other woman- man. He clasped my right hand with his left hand as he changed gears. Such was the thirst of our bodies that he held my hand throughout that drive.

But then, at a stopover, he parked his car under the tree shade and then at once slid his hand under my dress. His hand made its way under my lingerie and then fiddled with my vulva (female genitals). I was numb. I didn’t know what to say and remained stoic, letting him do what he wanted to. But I was not enjoying it unlike before. Sometimes, the feelings are abstract and you cannot distinguish them between anger, disappointment, happiness, and pain. There are blurred boundaries and I could not see through. I think the man was only interested in mashing my genital, as he drove and laid his hand under.

On other occasions too I found men straightaway jumping to intercourse in a moment of private intimacy. Well, it was understood that we both wanted to physically explore each other but there was a difference of preference in where to start and how to start. I did not know about my preferences but discerned that I’m not enjoying this vaginal act. I feared being called as conservative and backward if I resisted the move. In my mind, it was going that we had to enjoy the physical intimacy and intercourse or fingering is a part of the deal.

Well! I don’t blame those men and I don’t blame me too. This farce happened because of our ignorance, most of us don’t know any better about sex. What is sex? Kissing, cuddling, and intercourse. Our sexual vocabulary is limited to these 3 magic words. What’s more? Well, there is a lot more my dear reader.

To begin with, men and women have different arousals. Arousal is an emotional, physiological, psychological activation. It is how our bodies, our genitals feel when they are aroused. And surprisingly male and female genitals react differently to the same stimuli. In a man, his arousal begins at the center of his body which is his lingam (penis). A male can get aroused in an instant by stroking and rubbing of his penis. It’s like the flicker of a matchstick that then spreads like fire to all over his body (chest, abdomen, and limbs). To arouse a man, if you touch his lingam first, he will feel good. This is the reason why most men find it easier to disconnect love from sex

But for a woman, her arousal is slow and lasting. The arousal of a woman begins at the edges of her body, her limbs, and the spark travels to her genitals through her heart from her limbs. Her arousal is more like the confluence of rivers starting from her edges and limbs, moving through her heart and finally uniting at her yoni (vagina).

That is why men can have sex with someone with whom they do not have an emotional connection. But a woman often links love and sex. Because she cannot be aroused without a heart connect. She needs to feel connected, safe and loved by her man. The arousal needs to pass through her heart center first. If the opposite happens, when a woman is made to arouse by stroking her genital first, she will freeze and will be in acute discomfort. Lovemaking might still happen, but the depth of it will be missing. The couple trying lovemaking in a masculine way, will push the woman into pause and make her reluctant to it. The woman will avoid lovemaking by making reasons or would do it out of duty or compulsion.

Remember this:

“When the woman is fully aroused, once her entire body is loved and worshipped, she will open her yoni, she will be fully orgasmic, and she will share the nectar of the depth of her being with her partner. When the entire system is activated women can access amazing arousal states and discover their deep erotic nature. Then the masculine partner will be able to ride her waves of pleasure and expand into the magnetic field of their union.” – Sofia Sundari

Dear men, please don’t rush your woman into penetration. It does need presence and patience from you. But if you offer your woman plenty of time, love, and attention, it will come back to you tenfold. Dear women, please begin to listen to your body and communicate your needs to your man. You are right if you think he is moving fast and quick to jump at sex. You need time dear women. Your body needs time, understanding, and should be worshiped by your man to open your Yoni and relish the infinite depths of cosmic sexual union.


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