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Why are we so Weird about Sex? My Answer.


I have a tough time getting people to write for RedWomb. The minute everyone gets to know that this is a site where they have to write about their sexual experiences; they shudder! This is the major population. There are some people still, relatively more courageous who are willing to write but do not want to disclose their identities; again due to fear, judgment, and ridicule. It is a rare person to step up and be honoring, celebrating, and accepting towards their own sexuality.

Why do we create such shame and guilt around an energy, and a drive, that is so innate and natural within us; an energy that is the reason for our existence on this earth? Is a question that often pops up in my mind, every time I get a write-up rejection. Sofia Sundari, the international tantra teacher answers it gleefully:

“Sexual energy to move it consciously and use it consciously, we get access to our power. With that power, if we don’t have the consciousness to hold that power, then this power can be used for things that are very damaging, dark, and unhealthy. This power can become destructive, on the other hand, this is just power. In the past and even now, not many people are interested that everyone has power. There is still that culture where we live where we keep everyone in circles of “not us”. Generally, people want to keep other people small so they can be controllable; so there can be peace in the world but it is not peace, it becomes suppressed, controlled society.”

We fear about sex because it is so powerful and we know how much power there is in it and we are so uncomfortable about its power. Deep within, we are kind of scared of how ugly we are or if someone sees my dark side they are not going to like me. But deeper than that we are scared that others will see how powerful we are; because we will see how powerful we are. Because when we are powerful, there’s no way back. There is going to be no way back into the victim consciousness. There’s no way back to tell, it is the other responsible for how I feel; there’s no way back to tell it is someone else’s responsibility.

Control and Consciousness

There’s one thing to control and suppress this power and it is another thing to use this power consciously. Like just yesterday, when the partner was saying that he wants to be only with me and to him physical attraction with other woman is immoral; I dared to say that this is not what I think and I still get physically and spiritually attracted to men. Just saying this statement required a lot of courage and taking a lot of risk and I believe this is where I did not control my sexual energy; I did not control my thoughts. I let them flow, let my thoughts flow. I did not constrict my thoughts and suppress my emotions.

To consciously use this power to support my wellbeing, I ensure that I exchange this sexual energy only with the right partner in the right amount. Someone who holds that respect, care, and love for my being. Using this power means being consciously aware of what I want and not suppress it; not condition me into thinking that this thought itself is inherently sinful. It is to understand that I have this power and I’m not holding myself back to use this power. I’m open and accepting. I actively engage with the whole of the life; moment by moment engagement in life.

For me sexuality begins at mind; travels down through heart and emits at my genitals. So when I meet a man, the first turn on for me is his intellect; conversation; and appearance that opens me to listen to him more. It is a sensory activation of my eyes; my heartbeat; my ears. If the man also respects me as a person; I get an inch closer to me. It is a very gentle and slow opening up of my heart like buds of a flower. At this time; I feel like sharing a part of my physical and spiritual being with this person in the form of touch intimacy.

Holding hands, gazing intently at each other; resting my head on his shoulder; playing with his fingers; hugging; cuddling; stroking his hair; get my hair stroked; a kiss on the neck; a kiss on the lips; a kiss on the bosom; often our deepest desires are quite simple. There are numerous physical manifestations of intimacy even before intercourse takes place. It gives me satisfaction and contentment that I opened my being. That I’m open and accepting to my wildness and nurture it day by day; moment by moment. I’m not closed to my wildness, my eroticism.

Through conscious awareness of the responsibility of this sexual energy I’m holding; I might hug a lot of people; kiss and cuddle with a few of them but decide to have penetration with a rare of them. For me, the orgasm is not an intense genital stimulation; it is the state of a deep connection and communion with the being of the other person. I can actually experience 10 different kinds of orgasms with men. If we are open and accepting to newer flourishing opportunities in the career so why not our eroticism? The way we show up in our sexuality is how we show up in life. True liberation starts from embracing and honoring our wildness, our vulnerabilities, and our eroticism; and not suppressing and denying them. Bring this awareness; this understanding of your erotic being.


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