Sex isn’t all about penetration. Here’s how to let go of goals and absorb all the joy and sensations that come with sex.
In his mediations about sex and intimacy, Osho writes about how world religions have been wrong in condemning sex as a sin. He evokes the richness of sex, “It is something immensely beautiful; a tremendous gift of nature, of existence for which you should not be guilty; you should be grateful.” He writes “And to show your gratefulness, you have to make a special place for it. Every house and every couple who can afford should have a separate room just for love. No other vibe there; no fight, no argument, no throwing of pillows. They should enter the room after taking a bath as if they are going into a temple.”
I can’t help but agree with him. After reading this, I took a glance at my bed and was suddenly flooded with the memory of all the other beds on which I made love. At this moment, my bed is cluttered with leftover utensils, a child’s school bag, clothes, food and an ointment to heal burning. My previous beds were certainly less cluttered, but felt only functional as they were frequented by roommates and flatmates. I wonder if this is why the lovemaking never felt deliberate and special, and was always inevitably directed towards hurried thrusting and penetration.
It was when I was introduced to Tantra that I realised the importance of keeping one’s love-nest beautiful, personal and warm. I experienced the beauty of this around a month ago, when a partner thoughtfully lit a pair of scented candles before intimacy. He placed them on top of a bookshelf and we watched the soft glow spread through the room. He then lay beside me and we spent the night talking, whispering and looking intently at each other in that fragile, golden haze. The whole room rippled with light and intimacy.
Just watching him light those candles was utterly erotic. We were too tired to make love, so we simply settled into the soft, warm ambience that he had created for us and rested, which felt even better than sex. Between us, all the typical goals that mark the act of sex vanished with ease, and the result was far more magical. Who knew that just being in the moment, lying beside each other and having pillow talk could be so sensual and erotic! Sex is so much more than penetration- it has the capacity to speak to all our senses.
Sex is nature. Look at nature, the slow gurgling stream, the cascading breeze, the humming bees, pink dainty flowers. Everything about nature is ripe with sensuality. Nature is sexual in its rawness, in its nakedness. As human beings, it is important for us to embrace this to be able to feel all the intimate facets of lovemaking. The LED lamps that light up our bedrooms can never quite replace the soothing warmth of morning sunshine. Our skin soaks up the sunlight beautifully, but the same skin looks ordinary under artificial lighting. There is something about nature that brings us closer to ourselves, and thus closer to sex and intimacy.
What else? I’ve always liked the fragrance of sandalwood incense sticks and the mood that comes with light instrumental music. I fancy the thought of adorning my bedroom walls with framed erotic paintings. Once when I was with a man, he played me old-school songs from 50s films. I could feel my sexual energy brimming with the ecstatic rise and fall of music. As we kissed, it seemed that it was actually the music that was making love to me.
Another time with the same man, we were in a hotel room that had a large mirror by the bedside. I found myself getting deeply turned on by watching his naked shoulders hovering over me in the mirror. There is so much to explore in sex, and yet it is so often reduced to a simple act of penetration.
Eroticism can open up a whole world of that has more to do with sensation, and less to do with individual sexual acts. It is when we tune our minds to the vastness and detail of eroticism, that we really discover all the possibilities that sex can bring.