‘I want to make you a carpet of flowers by covering every inch of your body with small kisses and then I want you to mark all those love spots with your coral lipstick.’
My lover whispered from the other end of phone. He holds me dear because apart from other things, I also lend a compassionate ear to his deepest sexual wants, likes, and dislikes. He said once to me in a moment of passion.
‘ Never leave me. With you I have experienced a relationship without a structure, without conformity. A total freedom that I have never experienced in my past relations. I can and have shared my deepest thoughts, my sexual fantasies without being ridiculed by you. I know you don’t judge me. You have accepted me the way I am. This total acceptance is mind blowing and yet so intriguing. Never leave me. Promise you won’t ever.’
As we are living in two separate cities, meeting on a regular basis is not possible as work and other commitments keeps us busy. And this time it’s been quite a long duration, almost two months that we haven’t met.
My partner is not vocal in expressing what he feels so it has always been my task to nudge him to say how and what he feels because I am just the opposite of him. But this time he proved me wrong. Long absence has made him yearn for me and he is expressing these longings in such an amazing way. I feel it is very essential to express both emotionally and sexually to one’s partner. It acts as a catalyst to create a bond and makes it stronger too. It helps in sustaining the desire for each other as well. Expressing oneself honestly without a hint of shame and ego keeps the flame of love and passion burning with more and more vigour.
Expression creates a sense of ‘belonging’. It helps to forge a meaning and it is imperative to find a meaning in a relationship. Both the partners together create a third ‘whole’. I and him create an “us” that exists independently of our personal identities. It is important to give space to personal, individual desire in the wholesome “us”.
Expression of the other’s importance in that “us” is important to sustain that us. In order to sustain the ‘whole’, the parts must express themselves without any conditioning, without being judged or misunderstood. Many a times, partners don’t express their true feelings and believe me it kills the relationship slowly but steadily. The relation after a certain point of time turns into a stagnated pond without any space for freshness and vitality.
The reason for “hiding our true emotions” might be many. The fear of being judged, fear of not been accepted as he/she is, fear of being taunted or ridiculed or ego might be few of the reasons. Family patterns, social conditioning, our upbringing and the values that have been inculcated in us, our past experiences, sense of guilt and shame, sometimes religion as well makes it hard to show our true self to our partners.
I am stressing on the need for expression and not communication as there is an inherent difference. Communication is something that we rehearse in our mind before saying it. It is something that is carefully drafted with chosen words so that the message is understood. Expression is something which is spontaneous. We don’t think. We just express what’s there in our heart. So it is not manipulated or crafted as a result it’s an honest expression more close to our being. So my partner expressing his longings is quite a new thing for me and yes needless to say am excited.
I recall an incident where my partner caught cold. His nose was blocked accompanied by severe headache. The early spell of heat coupled with his election duty had taken a toll on his health. During such a phase I phoned him to inquire about his health. He said he wouldn’t have suffered so much had I been with him. ‘Love would have cured my cold.’ So I understood that yes he is missing me desperately.
He says he feels like a kid when he sees my breasts. This is such a beautiful and intimate expression. I asked him what is his first thought when he sees the twins. He says he wants to hold them in his mouth. I asked him as a lover or as a child? He explains that the feeling of a lover and a child is so overlapping that it is difficult to separate.
It is so difficult for a man to accept that he feels like a kid in the presence of his lover. But this is a truth. Osho has said in one of his discourses:
“I wish to ask the men present here if they don’t behave exactly like little children do with their mothers when they are in a mood of total love towards their wives. Do you know why a man’s hand is unconsciously drawn towards the breast of a woman? It is the hand of a small child reaching for the breast of his mother.”
So this set my thoughts on a roll. Is it just him or are there people who can go up to a state of deep vulnerability to express their innermost desires or they disconnect and shut off like most people do? Isn’t Love all about providing a safe and comfort zone for two people to share and express whatever comes without being afraid to be judged?