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BDSM Guide for Beginners

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Ever since the 50 Shades of Grey series burst on the sensuality scene both as books and films, it raised interest about BDSM lifestyle in dinner conversations and conventional relationships. People started searching for sex toys and paraphernalia and one can presume that some started experimenting on their own in their sex life based on what they read and/or saw.

Sex and Love around the world, a CNN series with Christiane Amanpour released via Netflix, trying to spread awareness about kink and consent as well breaking myth around it  also had an episode about BDSM.

What is BDSM?

“Sex is a team sport, sugar.” 

Cherise Sinclair, Breaking Free

Simply put BDSM means-  

Bondage & discipline – This refers to binding as in tying up or restraining for erotic/aesthetic display and teasing, or somato-sensory stimulation and discipline refers to rules and punishments meant to control behavior.

Dominance & Submission- This simply means the power exchange between two people, one dominating over the other and the other submitting.

Sadism – This refers to the pleasure someone derives from inflicting pain upon a partner. 

Masochism – In masochism the partner gains pleasure from being hurt or pained. These two are often clubbed together too as Sadomasochism.

Though BDSM often as depicted in the media, especially TV and films isn’t always proper and/or realistic. In fact exaggerations and only specific point of views in these often lead to various misconceptions and often funny and sometimes hurtful bedroom incidents.

BDSM is a peculiar and extreme niche and isn’t for everyone. The Bondage, Sadism and Masochism practices are not everybody’s fetish and require a lot of dedication, learning and unlearning. However Dominance and Submission can be started as soft and then slowly extended to hard practices involving the BSM elements.

In fact without being aware of being a Dominant/Submissive also couples might sometimes practice some of these as a variation to their routine vanilla and missionary sex. In BDSM culture also there is the term “1950s Household” referring to a relationship based on gendered authority where the male is generally considered dominant and the female is submissive, and these roles are often reinforced in conventional sexual relationships too where the man instructs/demands and the female offers/provides much like the pattern of a dominant and a submissive.

Some Soft Dominant/submissive rituals that partners could be actually practising without any labels could include:

  • One giving instructions and the other obeying
  • Some amount of experimentation as in role play and the like
  • Blindfolds/hand ties etc.

Those who are absolute beginners can start with basic stuff such as:

  • Blindfolds- These can be used creatively made out of scarves or neckties or sometimes even lingerie pieces. Vinod Arora, an HR professional shared with Redwomb-

“I practised BDSM with one of my friend on a regular basis wherein she was at receiving end and I dominated her by blind fold and hand cuffs with a little of pain and spanks along with rough sex.”

  • Gentle touching in areas not usually touched- The human body is sensual not just in the genitals and BDSM as a culture recognises that very well. touching of other parts of the body, generally considered non-sexual like the back of the neck, toes, earlobes, navel, back of the knees can also heighten both arousal and pleasure.
  • Touching not with hands – BDSM lovers touch each other with a lot more than just hands, this could be skin with hair, fingers dipped in something warm or cold, touching with ice cubes,  tracing contours using a feather or a light fabric is all included in this kind of kinky foreplay.
  • Breath Play– The human breath changes as per the arousal of the bodies and hence breathing can be sensual too if done so near the sensitive areas of the lover or craftily done near the face and mouth.
  • Instructions–  These are so to say the alphabet of BDSM, one partner giving them and the other following is the pattern, variations can be added by using words from a different language or sometimes even using “soft abuses” that are used as endearments.
  • Age play– This is another safe and easy technique that beginners can try. One person taking an older role and the other taking a younger makes the interaction typified by reliance, nurturance and leading on by one. This is from where most erotic ways of addressing in sexual play like “Daddy,” “Mommy,” “boy”, “girl” emerge.
  • Femdom is another common fantasy, also softly practiced often by couples and beginners. It refers to the woman being dominant and a male being submissive. Most men in conventional cultures like India find it intensely erotic and exotic to have a woman command them during sexual activities. Prashant Tiwari, Director Marketing told Redwomb:

“Why are people against bold subjects here? Any ways each to his own. Yes, I have indulged in BDSM and let me tell you it’s amazing specially Bondage. Element of pleasure , fear, anticipation, surprise, submission. “

  • Orgasm Control– This is also an often attempted routine by newcomers on BDSM scene and by vanilla couples too. The partner is brought to the brink of climax and then forced to stop over and over. This anticipation heightens pleasure for both and the sense of control and power over the partner is a dom characteristic.

People also can indulge in some non-violent fetish like foot fetish, where the feet are a cause of sexual excitement and are used in foreplay or a lingerie fetish where a particular type or colour of lingerie may excite someone.

BDSM is thus not about sex per se but about power exchange, and hence it is pertinent to define ‘soft limits’- actions you’d rather not do and ‘hard limits’-things that are absolutely not allowed. BDSM is also not mindless violence as it is often perceived but an exchange of power through pain and pleasure with consent.

Though always remember surprise is not always the best policy. Any kind of experimentation should always be safe and consensual. In fact a key element is the use of a SAFE WORD by the sub which is easy to pronounce and must make the domme stop immediately if it is uttered.

The two keywords like in any other kind of sex remain – CONSENT and SAFETY. If those are ensured doing some things differently may revive any sexual equation. So go play!

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