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The Ten Commandments of Casual sex and Hookups

Dating on Smartphone

Hookup culture in India remains mired in sickness and misconception. In the heterosexual world, I know hundreds of boys who want it and cannot get it. I know hundreds of girls who want it but are too scared to even admit it, let alone go out and get it.

Trying to set them up for casual sex – as I have done for decades – is an impossible task. There is so much taboo, nonsense and illiteracy – and an overarching cloak of silence on all talk of sex in general – that any consummation of the act of casual sex becomes nothing short of an Olympian achievement.

What is casual sex? What is a hookup? It is just two or any number of people meeting and consenting to have sex with each other and parting ways once it is done. Indians need this culture desperately as they know nothing about sex.

Schools refuse to have sex education (and every f***ing political party is in agreement on this which shows you what a messed up country we are) and every Indian – across classes and castes – grows up on porn. Porn is the great Indian leveller rivalling death but unlike death it has almost no good effects.

It just teaches men that they should be ashamed of their small penises (South Asian dicks are small by world standards and notoriously small by the absurd standards of most porn) and therefore should bang women to death to prove that they are hot guys (please go to Delhi clinics and check the number of women coming in with vaginal injury) and it teaches women nothing because a negligible amount of women – across classes and castes – actually watch it. They are too prudish to. It is only what bad girls do and there are, unfortunately, so few bad girls. So most heterosexual women just think the banging and vicious pressing of their breasts out of shape is what sex is.

In such a culture, women practicing with guys on a regular basis would have been so useful. Talking about it while doing it would be even more useful. But a woman is silent because she’s afraid if she asks for what she wants, she will be called a whore and the man is silent because if he opens his mouth, it will be clear that he knows close to nothing about women’s bodies or sex.

Women have a battery of reasons why not to have casual sex/hookups: they have to preserve their virginity for marriage, they are scared of pregnancy and STIs, they need love and affection and cuddling, spooning and emotional content to the sexual act or they can’t do it and so on and so zzzzzzz. Men have one reason why to have it: they are horny and are clogging pipes in every toilet they ever visit. And never the twain shall meet. East (men) is East and West (women) is West and women are from Mars and men are from Ur – Anus and whatever else.

But if and when it does intend to happen, these blindnesses about each other come in and corrode the space. Women accuse men of ghosting them once they come (orgasm), let alone once they leave; men accuse women of being frigid and cold and emotionally blackmailing them after sex (70% or more of rape cases in the Delhi courts are actually ‘Promise to Marry’ cases in which the woman is claiming to be raped because she had consensual sex but says the guy promised to marry her and is now reneging on the deal. While this is technically not rape at all, Indian law (deeply patriarchal as it is) admits these as rape cases.
In 2008, in Kerala, sexuality rights activists were heckled by the women of the dominant Left party there. The latter conducted a shuddhi (sprinkled water and cowdung) to cleanse the area of the perversions of sexual rights activists who believe in the right to kiss, the right to smoke a cigarette, the right to lean on each other and the right to protest all night for tribal rights (and hopefully the right to have casual sex).
So what do we do about hook-ups and casual sex if the Left, Right and Centre all demonise it in a marvellous example of horseshoe theory?
We fight to create the spaces for it and we write about the ethics of it as I am doing here. The Ethical Commandment tablet on heterosexual hookups and casual sex is:
a) You will treat your casual sex/hookup partner with the same respect and dignity you accord yourself
b) You will not ask about your casual sex/hookup partner’s sexual past or future but focus on the present with you
c) Hold your casual sex/hookup partner after you have orgasmed
d) Kiss your casual sex/hookup partner after you have orgasmed
e) Do not pretend you do not recognise your casual sex/hookup partner when you see s/he on the street the next day or week or month or year, even if you meet her/him with her/his spouse and child in that future moment
f) Food and drinks in the fridge, clean sheets on the bed, clean towels and condoms, lube and sex toys must be a part of every casual sex/hookup date
g) Ask your casual sex/hookup partner what they like in bed and do what they like in bed
h) Tell them what you like in bed and ask if they will do it. If they say No, accept that or end the date immediately and ask them to leave (if it is very late, drop them home)
i) You could avoid the latter scenario in the previous commandment by having this conversation before the casual sex/hookup encounter and avoid embarrassment and inconvenience
j) Never talk about your casual sex/hookup partner to any one your casual sex/hookup partner might know.

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