“First time I was having sex with my girlfriend, I got discharged early due to over excitement. Then I controlled my nerves for the second time and my second attempt went good. This made me realize that over excitement is the main culprit for premature ejaculation. – Ashwani Gupta (name not changed)”
The conventional male fantasy of performance has rattled many men in their self-esteem. Ashwani is a young man and thus it’s a myth that performance anxiety happens only as you grow old (unless there are any age-related chronic illnesses). Only a machine can stay up to perform all night and even machines need oiling and off-days. So it is completely ok if your penis does not feel horny all the time.
Ashwani is not alone, research has shown that at least 40% of men at one point in their sexually active life, have faced performance anxiety. Despite this being so common, no one steps up to talk about it. This is a taboo that makes men suffer from this in silence and end up losing their sexual confidence. Because the penis is a symbol of manhood, a man’s virile power to impress his heartthrob on the bed and the failure for it to function casts a question on his manliness. “Penis is power” this is what is propagated as a norm in our society. Think again! None of us will hesitate if it comes to talking about our fractured hand but talking about a fractured genital is shamed.
The first lesson for men is that you are not alone and that it is no shame talking about it openly as your genitals are as important and respectful part of your body as your hands, feet and other body parts are. Ready to get him up 🙂
Performance anxiety can happen by having
- Unrealistic beliefs and expectations about sex (thanks to Internet porn)
- An innate need to impress your beloved
- Life stresses of work pressure, relationship troubles, depression, poor body image
All of these can psyche your poor willy out. But do not worry, there are abundant bedroom tricks that can get him back in action.
Build his confidence outside the bedroom
He is more than an orgasm for sure. His presence, his support, his companionship matters to you as much if not more than orgasm. You have chosen him for tons of reasons other than the orgasm. Of course! Orgasm is one of those crucial reasons but reminding him of how important he is to you, helps build his overall confidence that includes sexual confidence. You should also compliment him on his physical attributes which you genuinely fell for when you first met him. Maybe it is his almond eyes, broad shoulders, muscular thighs or a sexy butt.
Let’s just play
For most couples sex only means penetration. This does not mean that penetration is not pleasurable or should be ignored. Of course, it is. But intercourse is just one of the dishes on our sexual menu. You can add some appetizers that make the experience as exciting if not more. For example: Focus on the touch part of sexual sensations, how his touch feels on your skin. You can pleasure her by other kinds of sexual acts, handjob, clitoris stimulation, back massage. Increase the scope of your sexual adventures. This gives both of you, a valid assurance that sex is not just restricted to orgasm and will take some of his anxiety off.
Negative self-talk about sex
- What if I am not able to get or maintain an erection?
- What if I am not able to make her orgasm?
- What if I ejaculate too early?
- What if she thinks I’m too small?
- What if she tells her other friends about her bad experience with me?
If these thoughts have ever come to your mind, you are fearful and anxious about your sexual failure, which is impacting your capability to have an erection. Fear and anxiety make our bodies respond in certain ways to fight off the perceived danger. So your body produces stress-related hormones. These hormones can tense your muscles and your heart begins to beat rapidly. In some cases, it reduces the blood flow to your penis. This can lead to a loss of erection.
If such stress becomes mood-killer, you can try some activities that relieve stress and build up pleasurable foreplay. You can give and ask your partner for a sensual massage (including genital massage) that will surely ease your tension and theirs. You can also take a hot steamy bath together and take turns “washing” each other with a sponge.
Rapid breathing increases anxiety
If you are attempting intercourse and have difficulty maintaining the erection, you can try this “ejaculation mastery technique” that works on your breath. The first thing to understand is the scale of pleasure. The scale of pleasure runs from zero to 10. Zero is when the man is not at all aroused, and 10 is that peak orgasmic experience, that moment when you would ejaculate. And so, while you are having sex you need to focus on that scale of pleasure and see once you get to 6-7 on the scale and stay there. Here you are just connected with the genitals, with your partner, and you do nothing, stop. And then, after some time you can start moving, continue, but stay at that level. This is the first key to drop in our bodies, anchor presence at the moment.
The second key to ejaculation mastery is to breathe. Very often our breath is super shallow, and it is just spontaneous response of the body to the build-up sexual tension. But we can make our sexual experience conscious, and that involves lengthening and deepening of the breath. As you become more aroused there is a natural tendency to start breathing very fast that adds up to anxiety. So we make it conscious and make our inhalation for 4 counts and exhalation for 4 counts. Remember, breath is the carrier of life, of oxygen so if you inhale more, you take more of oxygen, more of life and that increases the blood flow to your penis.
Remember, sex is not a performance, sex is an immersion into the deepest recess of your bodies, soul, and heart. So stop fretting your mind on it 😊 yeah…