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Desire For The ‘Other’

The Sexual Passion

From the last few days, am engrossed with the word ‘desire’ and what it means. How it is built? I am desiring someone other than my romantic partner and have no qualms about it. And finally yesterday night, during one of our long conversations, I told my partner about that other ‘man’. Initially I was bit apprehensive but to my surprise he played it cool. And I must confess this had made my partner so endearing.

I am desiring another man but that has not made me love and respect my partner less. This feeling made me philosophising ‘desire’.

Desire is a feeling of wanting something very much, a strong wish. Desire is a sense of longing or hoping for a person, object or outcome. The same sense is expressed by emotions such as ‘craving’.

We desire what we cannot have, is it possible to desire something or someone that we already have? Desire needs a psychological and physical distance to fuel. We have often confused love and desire together. It is true that they intersect but it is also true that they do not overlap.

Esther Perel has explained the paradox of love and desire beautifully in her seminal book.

Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. Desire thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness.

Desiring someone other than your romantic partner is nothing abnormal. It’s so natural. But at the same time it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. I will not buy what most married people say that they never felt attracted to someone else or didn’t feel excited when opposite gender other than their partners have praised them or have given attention.

Doesn’t it add the necessary zing or spark in the way you see yourself as a human being? Don’t you feel confident and happy?

I once told my friend that if you lust for me, I won’t mind. Lusting is such a natural thing. Only thing is that truth must be told and be responsible for whatever one does. Having respect for each other as a fellow human being with empathy is what matters.

Lust, basically is a psychological force producing intense wanting or longing for an object, or circumstances satisfying that emotion. It is a very strong desire, can be sexual too. But desire on the other hand may not be sexual all the time.

Spending time with someone and engaging in an intellectually stimulating conversation over a cup of coffee or over wine is desire too. It might not be sexual all the time. There is a strong connection and an urge to know that person. Desire has manifold .

We tend to desire someone by the qualities he/she possesses that we like or is absent in us. So that creates an attraction and desire is ignited.

Desire exists very much outside marriage/ relationship. Some accept it openly. Some don’t but it’s omnipresent. Our narrow upbringing doesn’t allow us to accept the truth and be honest. We always tend to evade thinking what society would say. We never think that society is made of us. If we don’t grow up, breed liberal progressive thoughts than society would remain infantile. And anything that stops evolving is dead.

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