The way sexual energy moves and the duration sexual pleasure lasts is largely dependent on how we have programmed our bodies through self-pleasuring, (masturbation) When a boy is growing up, he gets to learn about masturbation from porn or from his circle of same-age friends, not from a trusted adult, who tells him that it is ok to explore your body and seek pleasure from it by masturbation. The word “masturbation” is steeped in layers of shame.

And thus he compulsively develops a tendency to go into self-pleasuring furtively and quickly so as not to be discovered while in the act. He might go to the bathroom to quickly release himself or do it in his study room with doors closed under the constant fear that someone may knock or ask why the room is closed. Habitual repetition of this will eventually program the body of the young adult to follow this well-trodden path, in any sexual situation, whether that be alone or with a lover. The quick-release!

Self-pleasuring is an important practice to cultivate.

Masturbation or Self-pleasure is actually a form of lovemaking. And it is not the sex you have when you can’t get “real sex.” How you do yourself (or don’t) is a key in understanding your deeper erotic needs and your huge erotic potential.

Knowing your body, your bodily needs is how you can first tune into the real needs of your sexuality and then share the fruits of this erotic wisdom with your partner.

Self-pleasure can be genitally focused, full-body focused or a movement back and forth between the two. It can involve using breath and movement, intention, even focus on some outer vision or goal. It can include the finest sex toys. It can even involve self-pleasuring with your partner in the same space. Mmmmm…

If you can really stretch yourself and access even deeper vulnerability, you could even self-pleasure in a group or with friends as long as a safe “container” is created for this utterly transformative experience. Stripping the layers of shame around our natural eroticism also becomes the door to the awakening of our deeper spiritual self.

If you are interested to deprogram yourself from the social scripts of sexuality that do not resonate with your true nature. Here are a few steps to the most sexy date with… yourself.

1. Create a context each time you are practicing masturbation/ self-pleasuring as a meditation. What would you like to dedicate your practice to? “I welcome all parts of myself” “My practice is about noticing my feelings, sensations, and thoughts, while remaining goalless,” “I desire to give myself a sensual massage”…

2. Set a timer for an amount of time that is realistic for you. This might be five minutes. Ideally, your practice may be somewhere between 20 and 45 minutes but start with five if that’s all you’ve got.

3. Create an environment that supports you in feeling relaxed. This might be difficult if you have a hard time finding alone time in your home or schedule. But then even five minutes in the shower can work. Lighting a candle in the bedroom is another great place to start.  If you have a partner, you can also ask your partner for some time alone in your bedroom.

Room to Masturbate

4. Commit to practicing over a period of time. Just like meditation, the benefits are cumulative and have a greater impact the longer you practice. This ongoing practice can lead to greater awareness of your sexuality versus rote masturbation that intends only in orgasmic release. Instead, when you are attempting self-pleasuring/ masturbation as meditation, your whole body becomes your erotic landscape and not just your genitals. You start to derive joy from each cell of the body, you start engaging all your senses.

5. Move Slowly. It can be tempting to rush to your destination — whether that’s through clitoral stimulation, penetration, or another method of orgasm entirely — but remember that this is a journey. Feel every moment spend in your own company away from judgment, feel the bliss locked inside your own body. The way you look at your body, the way you feel your hand caressing the area around your navel. The goal is to learn more about yourself and what you enjoy as you explore.

Masturbation is Healthy

6. Avoid habits. Take time to explore your body in newer ways, by changing the pressure and intention of touch. Part of what keeps our attention and interest alive is the variety. When we form habits, we start to know what to expect, making it easier for us to go on auto-pilot and check out.

Use your breath, sound, touch, and movement to bring new dynamics in your practice. Sometimes you may be laying down on your back, other times – on your belly, or standing, dancing, witnessing yourself in the mirror… or all of the above. Try breathing fast sometimes; other times – slow and deep. Experiment with sounds: sighs, moans, grunts, screams, chants. Sound activates and moves the energy from your pelvis to top. You may want to try “dirty” talk or showering yourself with compliments.

But do not get pulled into the lure of masturbating while watching porn.

Your self-pleasure can be your juiciest and most powerful form of meditation. Stay present with your body, your sensations and let yourself be guided by a natural current emerging from within – that’s all you need.

3 Responses

  1. Great article. Do we need to retract your foreskin while masturbating? I can’t ejaculate if i retract my foreskin. Same with sex. If i retract foreskin like how they show in porn, I just can’t ejaculate

  2. Dear female writer who wrote this post,

    I see that there’s a large version of a female’s knowledge or “understanding” of male masturbation involved in this write-up (although hinting at the sinister tags used against this post)
    However, just want to point:-

    1. Male masturbation can’t be compared to that of a female. Lot of things change. Even the parts, positions, smells or feelings.

    2. Males would never ask a ‘learned adult’ about masturbation. This is a highly private matter for most. And to be honest, you can’t tell me one example of a ‘learned adult’ in a man’s life other than maybe a close friend in her early 30s who’s probably divorced who’d even be open enough to discuss such ‘taboo’ matters.

    3. For Males, masturbation is not self pleasure for the most of us. On the contrary, there are males who don’t masturbate at all. And then there’re folks like me who’re late bloomers ending up having “wet dreams” and having to change bedsheets every 15 days. I had to learn to masturbate to overcome my own physical need which triggered every 15 days even if i didn’t want it to. I now masturbate whenever i can. I take it as a stress relief.

    4. I have seen another post against porn on this site, but just to be curious – how’s one supposed to masturbate without thinking of the opposite sex. What if someone’s not in a relationship and is forced to think of the opposite sex? How does one learn to fantasize without sex? I will tell you why i ask all these questions. Till class 10th i felt like a woman would get pregnant if a man touched her tummy thanks to the movies that depicted the same in those days. I was scared to sit near females until my biology class in Class 10th. But that class wasn’t helpful. It was only till my friends showed me the damn tape that I understood. So enlighten my now open mind on how a younger me would have fantasised these things without porn?

    1. The whole conversation and understanding of self and masturbation is shifting slowly yet the gradient is significant.

      The key is to accept that as much as self, pleasure and masturbation are private they also shape our personality in the way we accept them.

      I do not intend to patronize the idea of speaking about it, but being matter of fact about one’s body to children from very young helps build a comfort to share what they feel.

      My seven year and 9 year old girls are comfortable enough to talk to me about the itch on their neck as much as the tickle they feel when they use a faucet.

      So to answer your question, the shift has to begin in our minds, it is challenging but not unattainable.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *