We are a generation of casual sex and fluid relationships. But as humans, we invariably seek connection and intimacy, even in casual encounters. Why, then, are we mostly left with an empty feeling after spending a night of passion with someone we barely know? It is primarily due to the mismatch in expectations or lack of knowledge about what we really seek through these random hook-ups.
Casual sex is the result of a physical urge more than anything else. Needless to say that the easy availability and accessibility has made sex more of a passive experience. You match on a dating app or find each other on social media, you go through the superficial small talk and exchange the standard questionnaires, rush into the hook-up (because that’s the whole purpose, right) and then you ghost or the other person ghosts on you (if not after the first encounter then eventually).
How do we transcend from mindless fucking to a more enriching casual sex experience?
What is Casual sex?
Answer this for yourself. What is casual sex For You? When you figure that out, you’d know the boundaries to set and communicate your wants and desires. This would avoid the aftermath that’s ridden with guilt, shame, a blow to self-esteem and an unwanted feeling.
When I dabbled in casual sex, I didn’t have much of an idea about what I was seeking. I was aware that I couldn’t separate emotions from sex. Over a few encounters, I figured out that casual sex isn’t really for me. However, the bitter sweet experiences did leave me with more insight into the human behaviour.
Casual sex is mostly about the end goal – sex, and remains at a superficial level. It is for seeking short-term gratification that requires only a minimum effort. We don’t want to be emotionally accountable to the other person, if we do we would rather do a relationship, right?
People are aloof during and after the act or ghost away to avoid emotion. When you do that, you are not true to the moment. And in such a scenario, the experience cannot be authentic and fulfilling. What is required is to be mindful and aware of what you are seeking and how far you can go for it. If you are someone who can keep emotions away from sex, great, go right ahead. But if you aren’t that someone, you need to take more time to know and understand the other person. Even if you aren’t looking for anything long-term, you do need a sexual connection unless you are a fuck-machine. When you slow it down, vulnerability increases, and higher the vulnerability, more realistic is the experience.
I define vulnerability as being transparent, receiving and to be able to share your deepest desires and feelings. Being vulnerable allows you to be present and open to establish an emotional connect with the other person. Sexual experiences feel empty and lonely without the presence and emotional availability of both the partners.
Communication plays an important role in building intimacy. It is the path you take to be open and vulnerable. Have you ever found yourself checking your phone a zillion times during the day after you’ve spent a night with a man but to your disappointment there are no messages? You want to text him but the thought of appearing clingy stops you from doing that. You crave a connection. (Unless of course you had bad sex and you don’t want to see the other person ever again.) Communication is not merely telling, it’s also about receiving. If you are willing to open up but the other person isn’t, then there’s a lack of trust. Would you want to indulge in sex with someone who cannot trust you?
If casual sex devoid of emotions works for you, then go for it and continue. But if you wish to experience more intimacy in casual encounters, then be prepared to be more vulnerable and communicate with the other person to break through some barriers that would lead to intimacy.
Intimacy cannot develop overnight. Time is crucial to build sexual intimacy and elevate the experience. The more pertinent question here is do you care to develop intimacy with the other person. While it isn’t necessary to have a great connection with every sexual partner, slowing down things a bit helps you to gain control and take the right decision. If you are aware of your own intentions and are mindful of others’ feelings, the casual sex experience can indeed be a fulfilling one.