When I had sex for the first time, I fell in love with the way it made me feel. It filled a void in me, making me feel wanted and loved. Sex made up for the emotional lacuna I felt within all the time. It gave me a high that nothing else could give. Before I knew, sex had become an escape route for me – an escape from the tormenting reality.
Whenever I was trapped in an unwanted situation or unpleasant circumstance, I found a temporary escape in sex. It lifted my mood instantly. Over time, I grew dependent on sex to give me a boost and lighten my spirits. The constant emptiness I felt in me would be momentarily filled and I would be endowed with feelings of affection, appreciation, closeness and belonging.
It became a habit – every time I wanted affection, I just needed to have sex with someone. Whenever I ran into loneliness, anxiety or boredom, I found a new man to fill the void. When I would grow lonely and restless, I’d find another romantic fixation. I created an imaginary landscape with sex at its centre where I would rush off to whenever I needed to run away from myself. It gave me a shell to withdraw into so I didn’t have to be vulnerable and deal with the actual problems. I drifted from one all-consuming passionate affair to another, without getting attached to anyone. I would withdraw myself before things took a serious turn. I was unstoppable.
Until the day when my world came crashing down on me. There was no escape from the question that glared at me – ‘what are you doing with your life?’ For the first time, I spoke with someone about all that I had been running away from. I couldn’t turn away from the truth this time. I was my own problem. The power that sex had given me was hollow. I had nothing.
I spent the next one year alone, without turning to sex for help, trying to understand who I was beneath the masks I had been wearing all those years. Unlike the high that drugs or alcohol abuse give us, sex has no side-effects at a physical level. The mindless sexual adventures can be vindicated by labelling them as being a part of our free, modern and liberal selves. There’s nothing wrong with that but if we don’t know where to draw the line, then we have a problem.
If sex leads to any of the below mentioned repercussions over a period of time, it’s time to talk with someone.
- Feelings of loneliness and emptiness
- Emotional dependence on sex to feel normal
- Damaged relationships
- Feelings of insecurity and worthlessness
- Lack of motivation
If our sexual indulgences are for exploration, then we’re good to go. Exploring and trying out new things is good – it helps us understand our sexuality and expand our horizons. It’s worrisome when we begin to rely on sex to cope with life and feel good in general.
The key is to be mindful about our sexual habits and preferences. If we’re in sync with our sexuality, we are bound to establish deeper connections and relish our sexual experiences in entirety.
I’m glad to have Pallavi to discuss matters related to sex and relationships freely and openly. I try to provide an unbiased and judgement-free space to my friends for the same. Come, join us and expand this wild, free and powerful tribe!