Sex is a rarely discussed subject in the public domain and that leads to spreading a lot of misinformation out there, which leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Despite being a sex educator, I had myself been living a sex-related myth that had a mighty toll on my relationship and hence it becomes important to discuss all those sex-related myths that we carry as beliefs in our intimate relationships.
Let us bust all of them, one by one : )
Myth #1 – You should spontaneously want sex
Most people believe that sex drive should be spontaneous. But it can never be possible, at the exact same moment, both you and your partner should feel the desire for sex. Typically, in a relationship, one person becomes the initiator while the other is the responder. You may also have realized that you’ve been labeling yourself or your partner as “low desire” simply because you didn’t understand the difference between Spontaneous and Responsive sex drive, and what each type needs.
Here’s the basic difference: Spontaneous libido types first feel mental desire for sex and then they seek out physical stimulation. Responsive libido types people need to be physically stimulated first, then they’ll feel mental desire. In other words: Spontaneous: feel turned on, get physical – Responsive: get physical, feel turned on
If your partner is not initiating sex, it does not mean ‘always’ that they do not want it. It can also mean that their sexual drive is responsive, they are comfortable responding and not initiating. If you’re a Responsive sex drive type, you’re rarely – going to be spontaneously interested in sex. It’s not the way your body works.
Myth #2 – If your partner doesn’t want sex, it’s because they aren’t attracted to you
This has happened with me when the man did not want sex because he was on a vow of celibacy. I felt deeply rejected and all that time he was saying do not take this as a rejection. It is not about you. But I would simply not believe it.
If your partner doesn’t want to have sex – either in a particular moment, or if they generally have a lower sex drive than you – it’s easy to take it personally. You worry that your partner is starting to see you as their roommate, not their lover.
The Truth: There can be tons of different reasons why people don’t feel interested in sex (stress, health issues, depression, body image etc.). Only one of those reasons is not being attracted to your partner.
|Myth #3 – If your partner wants sex, it’s just because they’re horny
I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I had faced this misunderstanding time and again in a relationship by the man who felt all I am interested in is getting physical pleasure. He failed to see that it is a way of a deep intimate, emotional connection for me.
It’s funny; we take it personally when our partners don’t want sex, but when they do want sex, we tend to de-personalize it! You may think your partner only wants sex to get the physical sensations, and you’re just a vessel for them to get off.
The Truth: Sure, it’s nice to feel physical pleasure and have an orgasm, but that’s just one of the many reasons why we have sex. The truth is that sex is an emotional experience for most of us. Having sex is a way for us to physically express our love, affection, and attraction.
If you and your partner have been battling with mismatched sex drives for a while, I can say for certain that the higher sex drive partner misses feeling connected, playful, and intimate way more than they miss having orgasms.
Myth #4 – Men always want it more
The Truth: We’re all unique. There are some men who want sex more often than women, and some women who want sex more than men. Wanting a lot of sex as a woman doesn’t make you unfeminine. Not wanting sex as frequently as a man doesn’t make you unmasculine.
Myth # 5 – You can’t change your sex drive
The Truth: Great news! You absolutely do have control over your sex drive. You can make active changes to create the sex drive that you want. And it’s going to be way easier than you think it is!
Myth #6 – You shouldn’t have to work on your sex life
The Truth: Great sex doesn’t just happen naturally. It requires consistent effort. You have the power to create the sex life that you want! And here’s the amazing secret: working on improving your sex life doesn’t have to feel like a chore. It can be incredibly fun, fulfilling, and exhilarating!