Men often ask me, how much sex should we be having? Can there be a number answer to it? Like thrice a week, once a week, and so on..
Sex works for different people in a different way. It’s the classic chicken and egg dilemma. What comes first – happiness or frequent sex. For some people, frequent sex is what makes them happier in the relationship whereas for others happiness and the connection is a precondition to feeling desirous of having sex.
It’s not an easy situation.
I know how painful it can be to steer through, how often to have sex. Getting turned down for sex, or having to turn your partner down, is hard for couples even in a stable relationship. When the relationship is fragile due to fighting or communication problems, it can be even more problematic.
Throwing out an overly simplistic rule like “have sex thrice a week” doesn’t help matters much. There are three main reasons why I don’t support this thrice-a-week standard:
I’ve seen the stifling effects that these kind of rules and instructions can have on couples. We get bombarded by so many advices about what we’re “supposed” to do when it comes to sex (“be sexy but not too much for her”, “wait for him to initiate”, “try this position, this toy, this technique” etc). Throwing another arbitrary rule on the table only makes the couple feel more anxiety. It means indirectly that they’re not “normal” or not measuring up and this can cripple the overall morale of the couple.
This general advice overlooks the individual reasons the couple is struggling with their sex life in the first place. The couple may have a power struggle or relationship issues that is manifesting in their bedroom. One partner might be going through biological changes that are affecting their arousal levels. The sex that they’re having may be so unpleasant/ monotonous that one partner starts withdrawing. Someone might be carrying scars of past sexual abuse. The possibilities are endless, and each couple needs individualized attention rather than canned one-size-fits-all advice.
I firmly believe that the process of negotiating a sexual relationship that feels authentic, flexible, and connected is one of the most enriching experiences a couple can go through. The opportunities for personal and relational growth are immense.
So there’s no set-in-stone rule for how often couples should have sex. What’s much more important than forcing yourself to sleep together an arbitrary number of times is to find ways to talk about and work on your sex life together.