I wonder if there is any other topic than sex that is surrounded by so many complicated and
mixed notions. It can be as simple as an erotic act and as complex as our deep-set desires
and beliefs. In a world where sex is either served wrapped in toxic messages such as it is
sinful and wrong, or packaged in the dehumanizing portrayal in the form of porn, how does
one build sexual confidence? How do you rid yourself of shame and become sexually
There is no simple answer to these questions. Sexual confidence isn’t about being up for
anything and increasing your ‘score’ of sexual partners. It is about knowing yourself, your
wants and desires, your boundaries, and the ability to communicate them. Your sexual self-
esteem cannot be built upon what has been fed to you by someone else. You need to figure
it out on your own and here are a few tips to begin with the process:
Get to Know Yourself
Sounds simple, right? Only if it was that easy. Based on your experiences, list your likes and
dislikes regarding your sexuality. Then dig deeper – think about the reason for those likes
and dislikes. Based on these, set your boundaries, so you know when someone oversteps or
when it’s time to open a dialogue.
Get To Know Your Body
Are you comfortable looking at your naked body in the mirror? Look at your body and
internalize that the mainstream definition of sexy isn’t true. You can’t be confident until you
are comfortable with your body. Exercise, keep your body fit and healthy, and listen to it to
Fire up Your Imagination
It is difficult to be confident about sex when you are unsure of what you like and dislike.
Begin with yourself first. Read some erotica, watch something sexy, explore and pleasure
yourself. Sexual confidence stems from the awareness that the key to your sexual power lies
with you. This is crucial for women – before you hand over the responsibility of pleasing you
to someone else, make sure you know how to do that yourself.
Discover Your Sexual Script
We are conditioned by our families, society, media, and friends about sex. Unlearn all of it
and figure it out on your own. Let your experiences define your sexual script. If you are faced
with sexual blockages or disturbed by certain experiences, reach out to someone you can
talk to. Don’t let others define your story and take the control back.
Learn to Communicate
A 2017 study found that heterosexual women get fewer orgasms than everyone else. One of
the primary reasons cited was that women aren’t vocal about their desires or pleasures.
Women suffer from the cultural conditioning that instructs them to please and submit to a
man’s desire. You have to take charge of changing that. Many men are misinformed about
female desire, and you need to take control by explicitly stating if something is or is not
working. If you cannot articulate your needs, keep in mind that no one else will do it for you.
All of us carry some amount of sexual shame as the result of growing up in this conservative
culture. Slowly and gradually, with self-awareness and mindful sexual practices, we can
unburden ourselves of this shame and find our sexual selves. Take it one step at a time and
begin moving towards experiencing joy and connection in bed with sexual confidence.