You have low libido if you do not have sex a ridiculous number of times with your partner,
You have a high libido if you dare to speak of sex as your go-to stressbuster!
You can go through life with a ‘mismatched’ libido without knowing the real answer,
So today, let’s get to know Mr. Libido and if he IS such a sneaky dancer!
Debunking popular notions
As a known sex educator and intimacy coach, I get so many queries on a daily basis that are tagged to Mr. Libido. People are worried about mismatched libido, low libido, high libido or even lost libido. Libido issues are amongst the most common troubles landing on most sex educators’/ counsellors’ tables. However, ‘the problem is not the real problem’ here at all!
While most sexual struggles are indeed projected on Mr. Libido, the nomenclature (so well popularised) is mostly misunderstood. If I were to ask you, what is your understanding of libido? You are most likely to say, ‘it refers to an individual’s sex drive’. This is why the language we use, especially in sex education contexts, becomes so important.
Renowned sex science writer, Emily Nagoski, explains this beautifully, “There is no such thing as a human sex drive.” This is so contrary to what popular culture would want you to believe, isn’t it? Let us demystify this concept together!
Who is Mr. Libido then?
The obvious question in your minds would be, who is Mr. Libido then? Mr. Libido is not a rigid definitive entity, but a fluid concept. Which translates into the fact that you are not a fixed kind of (high/ low) libido person. You can be any kind of libido person at different points in your life. And at different stages even within the same relationship. Let’s say you are a new mother, or you have been facing a chronic illness, or you are the sole support of ageing parents; all these factors can contribute to a change in your experience with Mr. Libido.
Emily Nagoski further explains how important it is to understand and de-link #sex drive from Libido. She says, “Physical Drives are drives for things that if we did not have them, would cause us to perish. So the drive around hunger and thirst is a motivational system that activates when our need for food or water becomes life threatening. And all of our behaviour becomes oriented to satiating that need.” Other physical drives include the drive to move or to excrete waste out of your body. “But, if you don’t have sex, it will not kill you”
Sexual expression (not sex drive) is your answer
Before we move ahead, I would like to reiterate the following:
- You need to detach Mr. Libido from Sex Drive
- You should also get rid of the idea that there is a one-size-fits-all notion of a ‘Healthy Sex Drive’. This allied concept got popularised that people should have a certain type of sexual desire only (limited to Penis-In-Vagina (PIV)). And if you do not, then you are broken! The emphasise that there is no medical agreement on what a benchmark ‘Healthy Sex Drive’ looks like. It is a uniquely personal concept. And like we discussed earlier, it keeps changing throughout your life.
Now, what Libido may actually consist of, is a confluence of factors. Factors that encompass “your energy, interest, availability for, and desire for sexual expression”. Since it is a sexual expression and not a drive, can you see the inherent freedom here? Your definition of a healthy sex drive or high libido could then mean sweaty bed romps every day with your partner. Or for some of you, it could mean relishing a masturbatory escapade once a week. While for others it could also mean enjoying conversations with your girlfriend, under the stars on a hike.
There are NO DEFINED RULES. NO DEFINED NORMALS. It is YOUR UNIQUE EXPRESSION OF HUMAN SEXUALITY, NOT RESTRICTED TO PIV!
It is high time we normalise that there are so many ways to be interested in sex; and so many different levels of interest. All of them are normal and healthy. It is a spectrum and you get to choose which part of the spectrum you currently belong to. Hence, the questions of low libido meaning and low libido reasons need to be seen from this new perspective.
Look at the spectrum
As with all things related to sex, the kinder and the more honest you are with yourself; the clearer things will be. So, I would like to encourage you to imagine your sexual interest, desire and expression as a wave within a spectrum. And you get to ride the wave up and down across the spectrum multiple times in your lifetime. Allow yourself and your partner to experience this journey without judgement. Instead why don’t you be curious about your journey through this sexual spectrum?
If you prescribe to the fixed beliefs of sex drive and libido, especially in long-term relationships, you will be inviting unnecessary suffering. This is the reason behind the worries that accompany queries on mismatched libido, low libido reasons low interest in sex etc. This is why low libido is usually seen as a personal failure. On the other end, this is the reason why a mismatched libido between partners may be seen as the spark being lost. The high libido person views this mismatch as a lack of attractiveness or skills in him/herself. But, now you know that all of these are merely cultural repeats of a flawed story causing you so much pain.
From a New Relationship Energy (NRE) to a Long-Term Relationship Energy (LRE), the wave of your sexual context will travel a lot through the spectrum. And it will be different for you and your partner. So, what do you do when sexual context shifts occur?
Also, what are the factors (we briefly referred to) that contribute to Mr. Libido and how can they help you here? We will explore these aspects in our next blog posts, stay tuned!
