This is a 1/3 blog series on ED and its emotional impact on a man and his partner.
From both sides of it: a man struggling with erectile dysfunction and also his partner who is on the receiving end of it. ED, in most cases is not a one-time event or an occurrence. It can soon become a downward cycle that can start with a simple physiological experience of not having an erection when you want to have one but then repeats in every sexual encounter you have or at least you start projecting yourself that you will face ED in all your future sexual encounters. So, you feel turned on, you want to connect to your partner sexually in this moment, but your genitals do not respond with an erection.
What happens then?
Sex or let me reframe it; sexual intercourse does not happen.
And then for so many of men, what happens then is moments of feeling rejected, feeling humiliated, feeling emasculated, feelings of anger come up. So I really wanted to talk about this emotional experience of erectile dysfunction.
As a society and a culture, we have under-rated and understated the emotional impact, erectile dysfunction can carry on a man’s life and this is what I want to talk about, since I have received so many distressing stories from men where they blame them, shame themselves and even get blamed and shamed by their partners. Read this real story of a man struggling with Erectile Dysfunction, who wrote to me:
I am married since the last 3 years with the Woman who I love the most, we were intimate on few occasions before marriage may be 3 or 4 times in a 4 year relationship but not didn’t have sex. We got married in 2019 it’s been 3+ years now and we have not had sex. I went to a famous Ayurvedic Sexologist doctor who put me on medications and diagnosed me with ED. Our parents are expecting a child from us, I have told them it’s not her issue the issue is with me, i m unable to fulfill her desires not not having sex with her which she wants from me. My parents are telling her to go for an IVF which is even hurting her more. I don’t want her to be mentally stressed as I really love her the most and want to save our marriage.
Well! Let me tell you a fact. No man wants ED by choice!
If you are a man suffering from ED or you are a partner whose man is suffering from ED for quite some time; you will be going through this spell of difficult emotions. I want to take you from here and take you to a spot of understanding ED through a lens of compassion.
Let us understand if ED is a medical issue or a biopsychosocial issue
Well one of my main differentials is not how is your erection in the bedroom with your partner. It is how is your erection when you’re masturbating and maybe 30 to 40 percent of men would say that their masturbation, completely alone in their own fantasy without any pressure they can achieve a satisfactory erection but then when these same men get into the bedroom there’s a completely different dynamic so that is my biggest differential between psychological and biological ED causes.
Biological cause will be if you have a man that is relaxed and masturbating and still doesn’t notice any increased blood flow. So, at that time we’re looking at physical health: heart disease, diabetes, the medication that they’re taking, obesity, substance use and there are a variety of factors that come into play such as vascular issues, neurological concerns like Parkinson’s disease. If you’ve had prostate cancer unfortunately that’s a near guarantee for biological ED but the fortunate part is that is so many treatment options that they can regain the erection that’s satisfactory to them.
I really value the importance of an erection despite being a woman because erection is part of a man’s self-identity. So, it’s not just about “hey how’s your erection doing” it is a sense of their whole masculinity and one of the humorous statements that I make is many men define themselves through the two c’s their cocks and their careers.
The duration and hardness of a penis is how most men define whether or not it’s good sex. For many men and women, erection, intercourse and orgasm are what is sex to them so we change that up. That it isn’t mandatory that you have penetration or an erection. So even though I value the importance of their erection; I equally value Pleasure that is independent of an erection.
So, baseline is I provide a lot of compassion for how it feels for them to not have that erection and then making a shift from there.
If I speak in the male perspective: a man thinks that if I’m not sexual then I’m not pleasing my partner and then they stop all erotic touch because of the anxiety, the insecurity, and the self-judgment that occurs that I will not be able to take it forward. So they naturally want to avoid those feelings. So, if they can’t feel manly, they have the false belief that they can’t please their partner. Then it’s a shutdown and both the partners really suffer if either one of them shuts down.
So, I do a lot of reframing.
I validate for men and their partners, the importance of their erection yet how they can maintain a strong sex life whether they have a hard-on or not. Sometimes I say, “I want you guys to have erotic touch” and if a hard-on comes up, you have to ignore it and my clients will laugh and say “what! I have to ignore it?”. I say, yes because we’re avoiding all pressure and we’re changing up what you thought sex used to be because we’re creating a new normal where you feel good in your body, you are connected to your partner that isn’t reliant so much on your genitals.
