There is a person who is sipping from a hot cup of chai on a Sunday evening.
They open their Spotify playlist, select a favorite song, hum it, and dance their hearts out in front of a mirror, hair moving in waves with each step and touching their cushioned skin. They twirl around in a sexy outfit that smells of a fragrant perfume. They take a moment to indulge in a piece of chocolate, savoring its sweetness.
This looks like a wholesome moment for someone finding joy. What you read was an example of how sensuality can play out in one’s life.
Now, as you read this, what gender did you imagine? Was it a female or a male?
When we think about the word ‘sensual,’ we imagine a female or feminine person presenting things a certain way. This implies that men can not be sensual, but that’s not the reality.
Intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal stated, “Sensuality is for everyone. Anyone blessed with a body, mind, heart, and soul can be sensual.”
But how?
For that, let’s understand Sensuality
Often, we have a skewed idea of sensuality. Pallavi stated, “Usually, people imagine a female wearing a sexy dress, such as a chiffon saree with flowing edges, dancing in the rain with a wet body, or a model in an advertisement wearing red lipstick. Our ideas of being sensual are limited to sexy colors, sexy outfits, and doing something sexual.
But sensuality is so much more than that.
Sensuality implies our relationship with our senses and body. It means you enjoy this world and this life with your senses, living with all the fullness of your senses. Let me elaborate on what that means.
SENSUALITY IS THE PROCESS OF BEING CONNECTED TO YOUR BODY, SENSES, AND WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. It’s about seeking out pleasurable moments and inviting your whole body to savor them when that pleasure is found. More than anything, sensuality is about being present with your physical body and aware of how it interacts with the world. One of my favorite ways to think of sensuality is the practice of paying attention to your senses.”
If you have ever devoured a juicy piece of fruit and found yourself closing your eyes to savor each succulent bite, if you’ve been outside and stopped suddenly to drink in the sweet scent of a flower, if you’ve ever listened to music and felt your body begin to move with the beat without prompting – you have had a sensual experience.
For many of us, these experiences are short-lived, but sensuality is meant to be more than a fleeting moment. It’s a lifestyle we must nurture and prioritize. Sensuality and the pleasure that comes from it are our birthright, and we should embrace it with confidence and empowerment.”
She asked men in her community this sensual prompt to help them express their sensuality.
Q. If sensuality is a time of the day, what time of the day it would be?
So many diverse experiences were shared by the men in Pallavi Barnwal’s Tantra group in response to this question:
Her husband John replied this:
“For me, it’s all day… living a sensuous life. For me, everything I do through day and night is sensuous. So I don’t tie down to a particular time or activity. The definition says ‘Sensuous’ means gratification of senses for pleasure.. perception. I see everything I do gives me pleasure.. hugs, tea, sound, sky, my family..”
Other responses from male community members
“If Sensuality Would Be A Time Of A Day , I’d Want To Be The Noon ,Because Of Its Exclusivity.”
“The Sunshine Of A Winter Noon Has An Ecstatic Effect On My And Being Sensual To Me Is Sharing That Warmth.”
“For me, running in the morning, just before the sun rises, is a special time, the temperature is just right, even in summer, the rush of blood in the veins, the muscles warming up, heart pumping, lungs heaving and gasping for air, and post run, the body produces endorphins, which give ‘runners high’!!”
A female member also shared a beautiful experience on this
“When I’m walking feeling nothing. But just walking in the walk. Feeling my feet on the grass, in the rough pebbles, feeling each and every particle of the earth of the ground touching feeling caressing the bottom of my feet…
Feeling the walk and how it is creating some shift in movement in literally each part of the body… As if each cell is moving taking part in the walk
I’m not looking at anything else… When I’m just walking.”
Pallavi added, “This is sensuality, experiencing joy and fullness through your senses. And that’s what makes sensuality remarkable! It’s not just about enjoying pleasures but feeling the fullness of our senses. So when you are sad, express your sadness fully. Feel your grief fully. Don’t suppress your emotions. When you feel betrayed, express that hurt and feel it fully.
Sensuality is so much about the inward as it is about the outward.
But our modern lifestyles are leaving people numb.
How often have you felt that you are eating because of stress and not because you are hungry?
This is sensually numbing yourself by forcing yourself against your body and towards your controller part of the mind that is operating from discomfort.”
But sensuality is how we listen to our body and accommodate its needs.
“Am I hungry? Should I eat a pastry?”
“Am I feeling hot? Should I switch on the fan?”
Now, you might wonder, “These are our ordinary activities. How can this be ‘sensual’?
Well, assume you are in a romantic relationship with your partner(s). Will you only engage in a conversation when you want something romantic? Or will your relationship also include regular conversations with your partner? Regular discussions where you feel you belong. Someone is there to listen to you and share your day with you.
Sensuality is in the everyday mundane moments. We do various activities to listen to our bodies and respond accordingly. If wearing a sexy dress is sensual, so is eating a pastry to satisfy your hunger craving. While recalling a sensual experience, Pallavi mentioned–” I remember starving at the office when I called Mom to prepare the food as I reached home. She made simple dal chawal, but I know how fulfilled and satiated I felt when I ate it.”
This is sensuality!
Sensuality is not a one-time act; everything encompasses an act: the lights, sound, characters, and story. Expansively looking at sensuality helps us hold, cherish, and nurture acts that bring joy and filter out ones that don’t.
Someone might not be into wearing shorts, yet can still feel sensual in a kurta and leggings.“Sensuality is spending an extra 10 minutes to sleep by cozying in the bed and snoozing the alarm clock,” said Pallavi.
The difference between Sexuality and Sensuality
“While all sexual experiences are sensual, not all sensual experiences are sexual,” stated Pallavi.
Tongue twister? 🙂
She explained, “Intimately touching someone, e.g., kissing your beloved or sexual partner(s), is a sexual as well as sensual experience. Because a sense of touch of lips is involved, there is a taste of tasting your partner’s lips; their saliva is engaged. However, meeting a long-time friend and hugging them or hugging your partner when you meet them after a long work day is a sensual experience but not a sexual experience.”
Sensuality and sexuality can overlap
For example, for someone, an intellectually stimulating conversation with a date can be sensual, followed by a making-out session. Here, sensual activity did play a role in expressing one’s sexuality.
But why don’t we consider men to be sensual?
Let’s scratch the surface!
We live in a deeply rooted patriarchal world where men are expected to behave in a certain way: dominant, conqueror, breadwinner, ‘tough,’ etc.
As a result, we all live according to a script prescribed by our culture and society. This script also plays out in romantic and/or sexual relationships.
Here are some instances of how these scripts play out in our surroundings:
- Films glorifying toxic masculinity are applauded and are a box-office hit.
- Men are ‘always’ up for sex.
- Men must be the breadwinner.
- Expressing emotions is ‘gay’.
This can create perceptions, thereby impacting the decisions one makes in every aspect of life.
This is because one’s gender role percolates in all aspects of life.
Thought for Reflection
For example, a male individual might hesitate to do classical dancing as it is associated with ‘grace’ and ‘poise’—something only a woman is expected to do. Here, there is a wish to dance your heart out. However, this can also strengthen the thought that “People will judge me if I go against them. I should do things that please them.” As a result, a person might walk on eggshells whenever interacting with people to ensure that no one judges them, thereby creating fear and refusing to choose what matters to them. This could also lead to people-pleasing.
If a male performing classical dance or any other activity expected to be female-coded brings up specific feelings for you– ask yourself.
“Where is this feeling coming from?”
“What words come to my mind when I imagine doing this in my life?”
The feeling wheel can help to list down specific emotions.
Source: Pinterest
[A diagram of a circular Feeling wheel which has primary emotions at the center followed by its variations]
You might have thought of some things that irk you about a man. Reflect on these prompts:
“Am I effeminate if I dance, or do I love to dance because it’s a joyful way of self-expression?”
“Do I want to hold on to these beliefs toward dance?
“How do I feel in my body when I dance? Am I the happiest when I dance?”
“If I stop dancing because of societal judgments how will it benefit me? Will it even enhance my life?”
3 Ways to Nurture Sensuality
1.Tune into your feelings
Reflect on the emotions you experience regularly. If you notice anger, instead of being self-critical, understand where this anger is coming from. Where do I feel it in my body? How do I experience it? What sensations do I feel when I am angry? What is it trying to tell me? Processing our emotions helps us find better ways to deal with them. If the anger isn’t processed, it might play out differently, stopping you from nurturing your sensuality.
A note on silent emotions:
“However, a lot of emotions are not loud emotions but silent emotions,” said Pallavi. For example, assume you are talking to someone on a dating app and feeling excited. In that case, You find them attractive, enjoy flirting with them, and have an intellectually stimulating conversation with them. A huge grin is on your face, your heart is beating fast, and you feel butterflies in your stomach, but a small part of your hurt past is cautioning you that you will again be cheated. But you may ignore that voice and pursue the more enormous temptation of this person. “This is a sample scenario; we all have had internal voices of different intensities at multiple points in life, but sometimes we chose to ignore them, and sometimes we did not even know they existed because they were so low in intensity,” added Pallavi.
2. Tune into your bodily sensations
We do various activities regularly wherein our body tries to indicate what an experience makes us feel. Suppose you continuously work in the office and sit on a chair for hours without movement. In that case, you might feel an ache in the back, and your shoulders might become stiff. As a result, getting up from your desk, taking a short walk, and stretching your body helps unwind and take your mind off work. Here, getting up from the desk and stretching your body is an example of sensual activity at a body level. Tuning into our bodily sensations helps build awareness of how we feel and accordingly make decisions. Another example could be taking a hot shower at the end of the day to relax and calm your mind.
Reflective Prompts & Practices for Getting in Touch with Your Body
Pallavi’s thoughtful questions and exercises are intended to soften you, tune into your senses, and gently examine anything keeping you from fully present. With each prompt, you’ll be asked to slow down, get quiet, and check in to explore your sensuality’s unique expression without judgment.
- Which modern technologies tend to distract and disconnect you from your body and your senses? How do they distract you?
- Think of a moment in your childhood when you felt utterly free, joyous, safe, and entirely in your body. Maybe you were in a state of playing with yourself outside, gardening with grandparents, or helping a parent cook a meal. When you think of that moment, what were you doing? What were you feeling, hearing, eating, smelling, tasting, seeing? Who else was a part of this moment? What emotions come up in your body as you invoke this memory? Use the lines below to write about the magic of that moment.
- Your sexuality is how you identify and express yourself as a sexual person. List at least five words or phrases that immediately come to mind when you think about your sexuality.
3. Establish Ritual
Just like brushing our teeth daily, sensual activities can help us stay connected and build a healthy relationship with our body and senses. For example, you are reading a few pages of a book daily to learn something new or to enter the world of the fictional characters. A parent breastfeeding their child regularly to provide nourishment to the child. Making sensual activities a ritual helps you to make proactive efforts and time to feel pleasure, be mindful, and manage stress. The rewarding feelings of calmness and happiness help to create an intention to build a habit; it gives meaning to your life.
Approach sensuality as an ”incentive’‘ rather than a mere task. Just like an employee gets an incentive like a bonus, ask yourself–Will sensuality help me tap into something of utmost importance? Will nurturing your sensuality give me joy? Confidence? Will it help me to be an emotionally intelligent person?
For example, suppose a person finds watching a sunset a sensual activity. How will it help them in the larger scheme of things?
They might see this as a way to slow down and pause in their fast-paced lives. It might help to be mindful of the surroundings—the different shades of the sun and the sound in the background. It can also be a way to converse with someone sitting by their side.
Some people might enjoy watching a sunset, while others prefer something else. For example, you might enjoy listening to old songs while cooking.
How Sensuality Enhances Sexual Experiences
Some of you might enjoy penetrative sex, while some of you won’t. There could be many reasons behind it. E.g., people with vaginas would engage in non-penetrative sexual activities to feel pleasure. Though the societal norm often considers penetrative sex as the ”superior” sexual act, it’s also essential to look at the context– one’s experiences, sexual orientation, trauma, religion, etc., to understand our sensual experiences.
Life isn’t binary; there are infinite possibilities for pleasurable experiences. Looking at sensuality from a fluid perspective will help you tune into your feelings and sensations and focus more on having enjoyable experiences. In this situation, if one has a black-and-white approach that penetrative sex is the only way to feel pleasure, one might not focus more on foreplay and sexual aftercare. As a result, they might feel the ”pressure’‘ to experience joy. However, a fluid approach will help prioritize activities that YOU find pleasurable instead of focusing on what you SHOULD find pleasurable.
WAY FORWARD ->>
This is not to say that reading this article will immediately change things. It’s okay to feel like working towards nurturing sensuality is life-changing and yet tricky; you could experience resistance with yourself due to the internalized cultural scripts.
After all years and years of embedded patriarchy, it cannot be eliminated in a few minutes. So please take your sweet time to unlearn and relearn things and seek expert guidance to start your journey of being a fully sensual being. Most of us have been under-living our sensuality, and that keeps us from fully accessing the joy and fullness in our lives and intimate relationships. Our team of intimacy coaching experts specializes in sensual education and is made up of sensualists themselves. Take their guidance and become a sensually alive being.
Book a sensual consultation now with my team of experts.
