Far too many websites talk about how to communicate. However despite the best advices and tips doled out; most couples struggle to communicate. If you have been in a relationship, you will relate to how challenging most times it becomes to put your word across to your partner or them to understand you. In many times, your partner would also be harboring same complaint against you.
I am an intimacy coach and majority of my time is spent in researching and talking to couples and singles about their intimacy challenges and communication is one major bottleneck I see in their relationship. Being a married woman, I also go through the same challenges with my husband, however have learnt few skills and approaches which make communication resilient.
Resilient communication means you can thrive it despite challenges.
Why do challenges arise in communication at the first place?
It’s because you and your partner are not the same person.
Mystery solved???
However, jokes apart, this is the real challenge that two different individuals are trying to talk and wanting the other person to understand them.
In this communication series, I aim to simplify the process of communication so you have a better bet at it. and it starts with setting up the right context for communication.
You would be wondering: whats there to take care of before communication?
Yes, right beginning matters!
I tell you this from my recent client experience: She has this complain that her husband never does deep talk with her. So I advised the husband to listen to her and participate in the conversation. The next day, I met this client and she said: yes he listened but 15 mins later, he went off to his phone.
That’s the problem. We are not even in the right space to communicate.
This is what this article tackles: Setting up the scene for effective communication
Before you start talking and listening to each other, you must be both in the right headspace. It can be hard to filter out distractions, especially when you are caught up in your own thoughts and feelings, but they make it even harder to fully engage with and truly hear what you both have to say. Try cutting through this noise with some of these tips:
Minimize External Distractions
It’s hard to focus on your partner when your kid is demanding, your phone is ringing, or you are pressed with work worries. While not every external distraction will be within your control, there are certain things that can help, like silencing your phone notifications, or scheduling conversations during quieter times of the day.
Minimize Internal Distractions
What if internally you are not in the space to listen? Think about this. There have been many times when you are stressed at work but somehow made your mind to focus at work away from that stress. The self-soothing behaviors and strategies that help you focus at work can also help you tune into your partner. For ex: what works for me at work is remembering the priority of work and then taking a short walk before I get to work. I use many of these same strategies when John wants my attention.
Listen to Your Body
Lot of times you might be quieting your mind but your body will feel stress. Take for ex: this moment, I am writing this blog but inside my body something feels missing. Yesterday, I had an emotional eating event and my body is still feeling all stuffed. So that’s the key difference between how mind and body work. For effective communication, your body should be attuned in the moment, relaxed. Start paying attention to how your environment and other people influence how you feel physically. Can you spot any patterns? For ex: when I feel dull, my whole body goes into a dull state. What patterns your body is conveying to you? If you feel some tightening in your body, or drooping of your neck that indicates something is not well, first fix it.
Couple Exercise: Which communication prep-work tactic will help you have an effective communication with your partner?
- Leaving your phone away and minimizing distractions
- Paying attention to how I am feeling physically
- Using Calming Body Movements or Exercises
- Planning an activity or environment that will help me focus
- None of the above. Let’s discuss.
