Last week, I had a young woman reach out to me with this concern:
“Hi ma’am, i wanted to reach out to you since I’m not able to come up with a solution on my own. My boyfriend is dealing with porn addictions from quite some time. It had started after his ex had cheated on him. I caught him watching soft porn on insta and visiting only fans links first then he said he won’t repeat it again but it still has happened 2-3 times. He says he has made progress now from the last time but not been able to completely get rid of it. He says it’s a cycle he feels he’s trapped in. Whenever he feels stressed his mind asks for that thing and he goes back to watching the soft porn, naked ladies on Instagram. He was now again caught some time back and has deleted Instagram accounts but he says he needs some help. Would counselling work for him?”
Notice the term here, he feels he is trapped in.
This is what makes any behavior unhealthy, when you lose your regulation over it. Be it porn, food, emotions, shopping etc.
In this blog, I will specifically talk about how to identify if your porn watching habit is healthy or not? And we start this by doing some honest self-reflection.
simple exercise to reflect on your personal relationship with porn
We will start with a simple exercise to reflect on your personal relationship with porn. For this, I would like to ask you to be honest with yourself but free of any judgment you have on you. Treat yourself with full self-compassion as you do this difficult and courageous work. Don’t jump to conclusions or classify your answers as right or wrong. Merely observe your habits and be kind to yourself.
I am sharing a few questions for your porn self-reflection and I like you to give 30 seconds for each question. Notice the first thing that comes to your mind and then sit with it. Question if it feels true to you and how it makes you feel.
Again, don’t judge yourself
Just acknowledge your answers and feelings. If you notice you need more time or need to take a break, feel free to do so at anytime.
11 Questions to Reflect on your own porn consumption
- On a scale of 0-10, how ashamed you feel about watching porn? Has this changed over time? Has anyone like a friend, a partner, or a parent ever shamed you for watching porn?
- Do you have fears of being CAUGHT or do you ever talk about your porn habits with other people?
- How often do you watch porn? Is that more or less than it used to be?
- On a scale of 1-10, how comfortable do you feel about the amount of porn that you are watching?
- Where and at what time are you most likely to watch porn? Like in bed before you fall asleep or at the office when you need a break?
- Do you watch porn with other people like a friend or partner or alone? Could you imagine going to a porn film festival and watch porn in a movie theatre with strangers? Why or why not?
- Do you have a favourite genre of porn? What attracts you to that genre and has it changed over time?
- Can you pinpoint what exactly brings you to climax or what you focus in particular? Is it the on-screen orgasm, the moment of penetration, close-ups of genitals? Specific words or sounds that turn you on or moments of intimacy like eye contact?
- Do you generally pay for your porn or are you aware of the platforms where you consume porn? Do you pay attention to who is uploading the content that you are consuming?
- Do you think, porn influences your sex life, and if so in what ways? Are there any positive impacts that you have detected or hoping for? Are there any negative aspects you notice or are afraid of?
- Where did you learn about porn? Have you ever read an interesting text about the topic and do you feel like you have your own opinion on it so that you can stand up for it, if anyone ever ridicules you about your porn watching habit?
Thank you for taking your time to ask yourself these questions. Porn is still a taboo topic in most areas and that stigma further deteriorates our relationship with porn and its impact on our sexuality. To have a healthy relationship with pornography, you have to learn to separate your own feelings and experiences from the ideas and narratives on porn that circulate in the society.
There is good porn available and there are ways in which you can watch porn in a healthy way that enhances your sex life and doesn’t make you feel shameful, addicted, and judgmental about yourself.
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