Let Mr. Libido Charge Up Your Sex Life
So far in the libido series we have come to understand that #low libido, #mismatched libido and the other array of Mr. Libido problems have a deeper and different meaning. We broke through Mr. Libido’s association with sex drive or #interest in sex. And I briefly introduced you to shifting sexual contexts that can impact Mr. Libido. But more so, how this translates into the power you hold. You can own your sexual expression through various modes; once you start being honest about your needs and #sexual desires.
Today, let us delve into the factors that Mr. Libido may be composed of. And how to use this understanding to charge up your #sexual activity to your desired level.
5 Foundations Model of Sex Drive (by Vanessa Marin)
Mr. Libido quickly gets the blame for so many of your sexual struggles. But, a lot of these struggles also inappropriately hold projections of various relational, emotional, lifestyle & context issues. This distorted view of equating libido only with your #interest in sex, as we discussed earlier can leave you feeling helpless. While in actuality, as renowned sex therapist Vanessa Marin puts it, “sex drive as a reflection of everything going on inside of us and in our environment.” Once you accept this, it will put you in the driver’s seat of your sex life, with Mr. Libido guiding you along!
Worry over a #decreased sex drive or search for #low libido meaning or #low libido reasons then turns into an opportunity. An invitation to be curious about the various dynamics/ factors affecting your relationship with your sex drive.
This is where I would like you to explore Vanessa Marin’s 5 Foundations Model of Sex Drive. Since the universe of sex drive is a vast area to cover; Vanessa has beautifully structured this concept – You can place the confluence of factors affecting your sex drive across 5 general categories:
- Physical Foundation: Factors that affect your body or immediate external environment
- Mental Foundation: Factors that impact the psyche and health of the mind
- Emotional Foundation: Factors driving your feelings and emotions
- Relational Foundation: Factors linked to the relationship with your partner/ with yourself
- Sensual Foundation: Factors that define your sexuality or your sensual expression
I would encourage you to try this model as a journaling prompt. Reflect on the factors that may be currently affecting your sex drive. You will be relieved to see that there is nothing wrong with you, if you do not have a certain level of #interest in sex. There are many factors at play here and it is time to make friends with them, now in your sexual journey.
The Connection Lens
Now that you have an understanding of the factors that can impact your sex drive, I want to offer you another tool. What do you mean when you state “I want more sex or I want a better sex life or I want to improve my relationship with my sexuality”? A lot of you would probably answer it in the numbers game format: “I would like to increase the frequency of #sexual activity with my partner.” But sex therapist, Vanessa Marin, offers a different view on the root desire behind these musings: “Ultimately at the end of the day, sex is really about connection for us. It’s about connection to ourselves and connection to our partners.” The difference in these viewpoints is the reason behind feelings of longing/ frustration/ self-doubt/ worthlessness etc.
I would strongly recommend that you combine your reflection on the Factors behind your sex drive with this transformative Connection Lens, as in Vanessa Marin’s words, “get a sense of the kind of connection that you want to share with yourself and with your partner through sex.” This is also a more beneficial way of resolving things with your partner:
- Less intimidating to talk compared to frequency of #sexual activity (No universal standard)
- Relieves burden of ‘performing’ on you as well as your partner (Neither of you is broken)
- Offers an opportunity to seek that connection in other creative ways (My partner wants to play/ connect/ explore/ be sensuous with me and not just have Penis-in-Vagina (PIV) sex)
Clearly ask yourself and your partner, ‘What is the most important thing we turn to sex for?” How are you seeking this CONNECTION?
‘Want to Want’ Mode
The next step is to see where you are at in relation to Mr. Libido, but with a slightly different approach. One category among you would usually see an ‘issue with self’ – “I have too high #interest in sex or have a #low libido or am facing #loss of libido and this is what defines my sexual persona”. The other category among you would usually see a ‘relational issue’ – “I am ok, but my partner and relationship is not matching my level of #sexual desires”, wherein the #mismatched libido narrative kicks in.
The question I would like you to think and answer really honestly in both cases is this:
“Are you ok with the current situation and don’t want to want anymore? OR
“You accept this is where you are at and want to want more/ different?”
Remember, the no ‘one-size-fits-all’ rule of #sex drive here.
For the people who really do want to want more/ different; the primary thing is to define what are your unique goals/ desires here. I will use Vanessa Marin’s examples to explain this: I want to want could look differently for you:
- “So I don’t feel much desire. Maybe I don’t even feel any desire, but I want to feel that.”
- “I felt it strongly at some point in life but now I feel disconnected from it or I want it back.”
Here, I would like to tell you, contrary to popular belief, #sexual desire is not something that always comes naturally to you. It is something you have to actively invite in. And knowing that you ‘want to want more’ and your goals/desires can become an opportunity. To be curious! All the energy you are using to hold the belief that you or your partner are broken and helpless. I would encourage you to redirect this energy to EXPLORE instead. Explore which factors are acting as your Sexual Brakes and which factors can be your Sexual Accelerators (Sex scientist Emily Nagoski’s Model).
In the upcoming blog posts, I will introduce you to simple but powerful tools that can help you achieve your sexual goals and desires; alongwith tips on how to use them well!
