Misunderstandings are a common occurrence in most relationships, and my own love life is
no different. When I look around, I see that fights often erupt because of different or
mismatching perspectives of looking at the same issue. Yes, these are some of the
commonly heard grievances that couples voice out against each other.
“I wish you had understood me better.”
“You made a decision and did not even think once about me?”
“You always have your ways in our relationship, never thinking once about me.”
A lot of times, these small misunderstandings get blown out of proportion when the accused
person refuses to take up supposed responsibility. I am saying “supposed” because it is not
yet confirmed that one person is indeed right. Relationships, after all, are a “subjective” affair
with no clear right or wrong. It is based on our belief systems, core values, past experiences,
upbringing background that we decide the right or wrong in a given situation. The thing to be
noted is that, in a relationship, we are dealing with two different people who can have two
different schools of thought.
So how do you arrive at a consensus or a mutual ground when a misunderstanding emerges
between you and your partner? I am sharing the following best practices/ principles that will
help you view and respond to the misunderstandings in your relationship more effectively:
PRINCIPLE 1: Misunderstandings are Natural and Unavoidable
PRINCIPLE 2: Cultural Differences are a Breeding Ground for Misunderstandings
PRINCIPLE 3: Connect-the-Dot Understanding Usually Replaces Real Understanding
PRINCIPLE 4: Move from Being Right to Being Curious
PRINCIPLE 5: Ask questions—Lots of Them!
PRINCIPLE 6: Recognize that We All Speak a Different Language
PRINCIPLE 7: Be Responsible for making Sure You Understand and are Understood
PRINCIPLE 8: Don’t Assume Others Will Connect the Dots Accurately
PRINCIPLE 9: Leave the Assumption Warehouse. Speak Your Experience—Not Your
Conclusions.
PRINCIPLE 10: Tone and Body Language Matter
PRINCIPLE 11: Don’t Confuse Feelings and Judgements
PRINCIPLE 12: Stay in Your Green Zone—If You Assume, Assume Benevolence
There’s no way around it: being misunderstood sucks. It can make you feel frustrated, upset,
and hopeless. It can feel even worse in times of conflict. This is because one of our deepest
needs is for others to understand or tune into us. This desire to be “seen” begins right since
our childhood. Yes, misunderstandings are unavoidable but approaching this situation with
the right tools and understanding, you have a great leeway to turn this conflict into a catalyst
for connection.
