Suppose you plan to cook aloo pakoda.
Would directly using the raw potato and blending it with spices make sense?
No, right!
Depending on your craving, you would pick the correct number of potatoes, wash them, peel them, and boil them in a pressure cooker for at least 3-4 whistles. You would let the pressure cooker cool down and then start preparation. You might also enjoy the process of cooking and make it more enjoyable by listening to music or a podcast, chatting with your partner(s), or having them help you.
FOREPLAY is just like that.
Foreplay isn’t necessarily the act of gobbling those aloo pakodas but also can be the steps to prepare those pakodas and the situations around them. Now, on one day, you might prefer taking a parcel instead of preparing everything from scratch, or you might take help from someone in the preparation process to make your task easier. Or your agenda to make those pakodas is to invite your partner(s) as a way to bond with them. Here, the pakodas, the preparation, and the surrounding situation are metaphors for ‘foreplay.’
What is Foreplay?
Foreplay is a sexual activity that is paramount for achieving a fulfilling, intense sexual pleasure. The conventional definition is that foreplay is “sexual activity before sex..” i.e. penetrative sex.
But is this definition limiting us or widening endless possibilities to experience pleasure?
Read further to understand more!
4 Things People Get Wrong About Foreplay
1. A ‘Starter dish’
Foreplay is considered the ‘starter dish’ or an ‘appetizer’ before penetrative sex, which is regarded as the ‘main course.’
Reality: Having a linear approach like this to sex:
- Step 1. Foreplay,
- Step 2. Penetrative Sex,
- Step 3. Orgasm’– might not always work for everyone.
Imagine that you have gone to a restaurant.
Usually, people follow a set pattern like ordering tomato soup (starters), roti sabzi (main course), and ice cream (dessert). But you can tweak things that interest you. You may prefer only having dishes under the ‘Starters’ section as an entire meal and not prefer eating anything else. When you approach sex non-linearly, you are focusing more on what gives you and your partner(s) pleasure instead of following a template to set the mood and have a profound sexual experience. So, some days, you can have foreplay as a ‘starter,’ or this can be your ‘main course.’
Foreplay can also be the main course or a type of sex in and of itself.
Get Intimacy runs a sex-positive community on Telegram called ‘The Pleasure Talks,’ where members gather to share their experiences and participate in insightful discussions. Read on to learn how members responded when asked about foreplay!
A Telegram member said,“….For Me Foreplay is The MAIN GAME….”
2. Skewed idea of pleasure
Usually, people feel penetrative sex is the only superior path toward maximum pleasure, and thereby, it is kept on a pedestal because that is ‘counted’ as ‘actual sex.’
Reality: But one can find equal or even more pleasure in other sexual acts, too! It’s like assuming that everyone must like ‘chocolate ice cream.‘ One may like ‘vanilla ice cream’ or a combination of both.
A Telegram member responded, “I like foreplay with roleplay.”
Just like there are different routes to reach a destination via bike, train, flight, or bus– we have to understand that our body, not just our genitals, is an erogenous zone to receive pleasure. Processing this fact can widen the possibilities of having a fantastic sex life and choose your favorable route(s) 🙂
3. There is an ‘agenda’
Often, people engaging in foreplay is considered as a pre-requisite for having lubrication and getting an erection- to be ‘ready’ for penetrative sex. Often, partners don’t spend much time on foreplay, and it can cause pain while having penetrative sex.
Reality: Intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal stated, “In childhood when we played ‘hide and seek,’ we did not play to have an outcome. We were playing to have fun– the person who was going to catch and the one who was hiding; all the parties involved were doing to have a playful time and fun! When we focus on the word ‘play’ in the foreplay, we focus on enjoying the process and the act and not on some agenda that it MUST lead to penetrative sex.”
Perceiving foreplay in this manner helps to broaden our definitions of ‘sex’ and ‘pleasure.’
For instance, if you have a white top, you would feel it will only go well with jeans. But you could wear it with shorts, skirts, skorts, or like a blouse when you wear a saree or like how we tend to make it into a pocha after it’s worn out 😛
Instead of following the template that a white top only looks good with jeans, you found new ways to wear it and create your sense of style or redefine what a ‘blouse’ could be. Similarly, people with penises and/or vaginas can enjoy penetration via fingering, using a strap-on or a vibrator.
One Telegam member said, “For me, foreplay is the main play..because it sets the ground for the next steps, and it is long-lasting and can be fit in for a few minutes to few hours..it helps us to feel the emotions, excitement, and inner beauty of the partner..”
Now, it looks like here, there is an agenda to have foreplay to have long-lasting penetrative sex to reach an orgasm. While it’s not entirely wrong, as mentioned, approaching foreplay as a means to an end limits our idea of pleasure and makes foreplay something like a checkbox to tick.
4. There is an end-point
Usually, foreplay is perceived as a ‘mandatory task’ whose role ‘ends’ when one is ready for penetrative sex.
Reality: Just like how our bodies function all the time, even when we are sleeping, perceiving foreplay as an ongoing thing, always in motion, helps to set the mood and fill your life with pleasure!
A Telegram member’s response sums it up: “…A foreplay can be just blinking to your partner and giving signal in a family party..sending sext to your partner when he/she is in the office. Kissing on her forehead……..It is everything and everywhere.”
Importance and 3 Benefits of Foreplay in Relationships
1. Key to Show Affection
Foreplay is a way to tell someone:
“I am here for you.”
“I want to know you..”
“I enjoy your company..”
That doesn’t mean you have to say these things because you have an *agenda* but to build and nurture emotional intimacy.
A Telegram member said, “….I use my foreplay to gauge and assess the needs-likes-wants of my partner…”
2. Helps to Nurture Various Types of Intimacy
Foreplay can help you understand if you enjoy someone’s company and help build different types of intimacy with people. It can also help you have a wonderful conversation (intellectual and/or emotional intimacy), touch each other (physical intimacy), and kiss each other (sexual intimacy).
A Telegram member said, “Foreplay is very important from mental and physical view of point. The way you understand each other movements, feel breathing, see pleasure in her eyes and the moans and expresions tell you what the other is liking. It also gives you space to convey out your desires and you can be mentally naked too….”
3. Suitable for folks who aren’t interested in penetrative (penis-in-vagina) sex
Often, people might be carrying shame around sex, or they might live with conditions like vaginismus wherein, people with vaginas experience painful penetration– focusing on foreplay helps to slow down and yet have fun.
Foreplay is a Type of Sex, Too!
Now, you might think: “No way!!”
But how do we decide what ‘counts’ as ‘sex’?
If orgasm is the criterion, then one can get an orgasm from some activities like oral sex and nipple stimulation as well! And what if orgasm isn’t even the main goal? Just like people say, “Focus on the journey and not the destination..” focusing on pleasure and not orgasm can take some pressure off to be the one who makes someone ‘come.’
A Telegram member said, “For Me Foreplay is The MAIN GAME….I Am Not Into Too Much Penetrating, But Foreplay is Something I Focus Too Much..”
Unpacking the definition of foreplay that we have been told might instill a range of feelings for you– you might feel weird, surprised, relieved, confused, or a combination of these feelings.
While understanding foreplay is one thing, implementing it can take time. Give yourself the grace to make mistakes, remind yourself again of what you have learned, and keep going. You may agree with all of it, or you may not. But I encourage you to reflect on your emotions and thoughts while reading this piece and explore foreplay differently to see how you feel.
Mutual consent, clear emotional check-ins, and a never-ending willingness to learn about each other’s bodies are a must for a pleasurable sex life!
