One of the most understated fact is women are sexual, highly sexual and this goes true for so many women who identify as asexual (after getting married and having kids) or lost desire in sex. I in my practice as an intimacy coach, routinely interact with women who reach out to me with stressful concerns such as: I do not feel desire, but my husband wants it, or I do not like sex, is there something wrong with me? or sex is painful and I cannot allow myself to have it.
Their partners though initially and for a long time after the sexless spell has started are supportive and understanding but over time lose their cool and either they demand divorce or shut down emotionally as well as physically.
I realised, it’s so easy to dismiss a woman’s sexuality as absent or dysfunctioning and write her off. Further, most mental health professionals and doctors in India are lacking right information, not knowing how to delve into a woman’s sexual psyche but they keep firing bullets (read assumptions, shallow tips and tricks) in vain.
I thus decided to write this blog on how women’s sexuality impacts her relationships.
She cannot talk openly because of sexual shame
So many women are embarrassed, they’re too embarrassed to communicate to their partner what they want, what they need, what’s happening with their body, what they’re enjoying, what they’re not enjoying, all of it. And so women sometimes become resentful with their partner and angry and frustrated. And their partner is left in the dark thinking, well, I just want to have a good time. And they have a disgruntled partner. Of course, nobody can read your mind. And of course, with something like sex, it’s a very sensitive topic. And I think because it is such a sensitive topic, a lot of women think that their partner should be able to read their mind. If you love me and you understand me, you should know what I want. You should know how I feel. And that’s just not true. So getting women to open up to their partner and talk about things. Communication is important.
But here’s the thing
A woman’s own sexual discovery
Before that can happen, the woman has to know herself sexually. And because of socialization, because of culture, because of religion, and then just plain old embarrassment, a lot of women don’t know their own bodies. And so, some of sex coaching that I do is talking to a woman and have her identify what happens when she’s aroused.
- How does that feel?
- Does it make her uncomfortable?
- Can she communicate to her partner what a turn-on is and what a turn-off is?
So that’s basic communication, that’s first. That’s primary. That’s something I always enquire. In our intimacy coaching session, we can really assist a client in opening up more about getting to know themselves sexually and what they like and what they don’t like.
And the fact is that I’ve had many women clients who have experienced painful sex. And that’s something that doesn’t get talked about a lot. But around 25% of all sexually active women will experience pain with intercourse, either because of endometriosis, painful periods or the way sex is attempted. It could be so many things that cause intercourse to be uncomfortable or painful. And because of this embarrassment, many women don’t communicate to their partner.
And it gets perpetuated until the woman shuts down and doesn’t want to engage sexually at all. And she’ll make excuses why she doesn’t want to have sex. But really, there is something going on, not communicating that to her partner.
Dirty perception of sex
So many women come to my coaching practice stating, I don’t get sex. I don’t know why we have it. I don’t know why I need to have it. Or I think sex is gross. It’s messy. It’s dirty. It’s smelly. So we go into an open conversation about that.
- Why do you think it’s gross?
- Where did you learn it was gross?
- what value do you assign to having sex?
- Why do you think it’s important? It shouldn’t be important because your partner wants.
- If you don’t think it’s important, why not?
- And if you don’t think it’s important and you’re in a sexual relationship, what are you going to do about that?
You have to figure it out and It’s not one easy answer. You can get into dilemma, and doubt and this is where working with an intimacy coach helps, to navigate your bedroom life issues.
Lack of understanding of female sexual desire
Lot of women get worried that they don’t have mental thoughts to have sex while their husbands have. But that’s not how female sexual desire model works. Women have a responsive desire meaning it is only when the physical intimacy gets kickstarted they start feeling sexual arousal and mental thoughts “hmm I am liking this what is happening”. If you are a woman reading this, think: have you ever had sex when you weren’t even thinking about it, but you were playing around, you were kissing, you were caressing, and then you went ahead and you engaged sexually and you had a good experience and you said to yourself afterwards, why don’t we do this more often, right? So, you know, getting away from this idea that you have to be thinking about sex in order to have good sex, that can be really important in terms of understanding desire differences between men (who have proactive or spontaneous desire) and women (who have reactive or responsive sexual desire).
