Recently a conversation happening on a sex positive group that I run on Telegram “Pleasure Talks” caught my eye. It was posted by a male who wrote:
“one of the best feeling is to see your loved ones being fucked brutally and seeing her having a blank look in the eye.. and sitting with a hard dick.. enjoying the best view on earth..”
While I am a sex educator and I carry a non-judgmental and sex positive attitude, the woman inside me could not stop getting triggered. The coach in me was worried, why of all, we are reducing sex to a hard, brutal attack on a woman by a man?
After the initial dismay, I decided to look deeper into this issue.
What is turning young boys into predator men? And yes, our culture is to be blamed and held responsible for that. Till 90s, rape scenes were a common scene in movies and thereafter the majority of porn took a simple route, man as an aggressor and woman as a landing target. I have personally gone through the most discomforting pain, where I was trying my best to let the penetration happen and the man I was with, was pushing inside me with full force.
#1 Culture teaches men to be sexual predators
The flip side of all B-Grade movies, porn, smutty magazines put together is men’s sexuality men’s sexual desire and expression has started to become understood as predatory and this puts a lot of pressure on men who don’t know how else to express themselves sexually without being considered a predator. The culture has failed to give men a map, a direction to their male sexuality.
This same mindset is voiced by many wives I see on a regular basis, who complain their husbands are just interested in “sex” and nothing else. Such complains reinforce the image of male sexuality as of a pervert, sex addict creature, and most men don’t know how to bust that.
Sex is more than a score
In the same Telegram group, another conversation highlighted this issue of men expressing their sexuality as predators.
A male member flaunted off his last night with a Chinese girl and posted in group:
Taken a Chinese gal fr d nyt🙈🥂..
Wanna glimpse of it,?
To this another male member commented: are you trying to make us jealous?
And the male member replied:
Not at all..
if i can score.. 💯 anybody can score✌️..
Keep batting🤗/ striking…
This is the problem many men carry, to see sex as a conquest and not a collaboration, where they PRIORITISE FEMALE VOICE. The whole sexual act as a result of this predatory behavior becomes one sided and has lethal impact on a couple intimacy which becomes dysfunctional.
From conquest to collaboration
What we need is to move away from conquest to collaboration. This is a major conversation we need to have and resolve if we’re going to move forward as a sex positive culture where men and women are collaborative right like this whole war between the sexes needs to end we need to move into a place where men and women support one another’s healthy sexualities.
#2 Men are ready for sex any moment
The second big thing I notice, how culture has negatively impacted male sexuality is that men are seen as being brainless sex machines who are ready for sex at any moment and it’s just about getting a hard cock and thrusting it in a hole and men’s sexuality is that simple but it is female sexuality that is complicated. So not true!
This idea that men are ready with hard penis any moment and if it isn’t then it’s a problem and something to be embarrassed and feel shame about. This belief puts enormous pressure on men all the time to be at the ready and ready to perform. And this pressure makes it less likely for a man to get an erection so it becomes this awful downward spiral for guys which is not helpful neither for the man and his partner in bed.
Erection comes and goes
The erection going away during sex is a natural part of male sexuality. Sometimes penis is hard sometimes it’s soft and it’s all okay. Penis hardness isn’t a sign of a man’s virility, his masculinity and his power or even how turned on a man is. We see this age-old idea in movies that oh man sees boobs and he gets hard. Thus, if a man is not hard in bed or his erection goes away, the female partner often feels undesirable and thinks he is not attracted to her. and then this downward spiral ensues.
So we need to take this pressure off of guys and off his erection and off his performance and respect men’s genitals as not a simple light switch that’s on or off but a complicated system of blood flow and hormones and emotions. Yes! it’s a big process to create an erection and maintain it.
#3 Sex needs an erection
Sex cannot happen without an erection. That’s another piece we’re taught that sex means a hard penis that goes in a hole but there’s so much more to our bodies than a hard penis and a hole to put it in. This model of intercourse as central and primary comes from our sexually repressive past that only sanctioned married, reproductive intercourse which happens when a hard penis goes into a hole and thrusts for a few minutes ejaculating into the vagina. The sex is done, and the baby is conceived. We need to bury that model once and for all and reclaim our full body sexuality and eroticism as something much more and something much more celebratory, and relaxed and easygoing and involving our entire bodies and all our emotions and just as an opportunity for two adults to play with one another’s bodies and generously give one another pleasure. Just imagine how that would look like and that takes a lot of performance anxiety off of the penis which has been burdened with this pressure for far too long.
