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Sexless Marriage: How to Fix it

Pallavi Barnwal
Updated on September 2, 2023
Sexless Marriage

Table of Contents

“Sex is not marriage, but sex is part of marriage.” 

Justice Kojo Betil

Sex is not marriage, but sex is part of marriage.

Do you know 1 in 5 marriages is a sexless marriage? The role of sex in marriage is not discussed and understood, yet a good sexual relationship between a couple is vitally essential for relationship longevity and happiness. Lack of sex for a prolonged duration can cause significant mental distress to the sexually desiring partner, leading to severe mental health concerns in the long run.

This article seeks to spread awareness and knowledge on what is a sexless marriage, what causes a marriage to become sexless, and how to fix a no-sex marriage so that affected partners no longer suffer in silence and find hope!

Sex is a genuine human need and absolutely important in marriage

In our society, we are living in a unique crossroads. On the one hand, in this modern era, we finally have been able to move ahead behind a survival-focused life and want pleasure because we have the time and money for it. On the other hand, long-standing orthodox traditions still keep most people trapped in conforming to them for fear of being seen as an outcast. We are as fascinated by sex as we are repulsed by it. But sex is a fundamental human need. To the majority argument saying that people can be sexless, as per the research, only 2% of the population is asexual, and the vast majority of sexless people have their sexuality suppressed, shamed, and traumatized. Thus, they have become disconnected from it. 

Sex is a genuine physical need, a genuine need for connection, a real need for pleasure. So if your partner says, ‘What’s the big deal?’, know it is a big deal if you want it. Because many sexually desirable partners (men and women) feel they are not normal for wanting sex. Your wanting sex is normal and valid. 

Living in a sexless marriage is not normal if one partner wants sex and the other denies it.

What is a Sexless Marriage?

If you’re thinking, “What does a sexless marriage mean?” I understand that. After all, the phrase sexless marriage typically applies to a marriage where sex hasn’t happened enough or not at all. Some partners in a sexless marriage also get accused by the no-sex drive person of being too obsessed with it, which is so sad!

Contrary to what you think, a sexless marriage is not about how much or how little sex a couple has. It is not about numbers. In a sexless marriage, the couple might have an average amount of sex each month; where one spouse is deeply unhappy with their sexual relationship, the other person ignores, minimizes, or dismisses those feelings and sentiments. The relationship’s subsequent disintegration captures the true meaning of sexless marriage.

Don’t sit back and accept no sex after marriage as a norm. It’s not even a taboo and can be discussed with an expert. Talking to a sex therapist, you can learn ways to navigate your sexless marriage without cheating- you can learn to rekindle with your spouse and ignite the passion. 

What Causes a Husband-Wife Sexless Marriage?

When you’re here reading this, it speaks a lot. You’re trying to find a clue or answers to many questions going right in your mind. 

There can be many reasons which you can be unaware of. A couple might work on their visible differences; what about the unseen and unknown reasons? As a sex coach, I routinely see aggrieved partners shattered by sexless marriage.

There is a way out!

There is a way out!

Read some real stories of people in sexless marriages that I receive:

“I have been married without sex for years. Because my wife doesn’t feel the need, I hope it will be confidential. Marriage without sex and intimacy is killing me from inside.”

“My husband & I got married 2 years back, and we have a one-year-old daughter, too. It was an arranged marriage. We also haven’t had time to talk or understand each other before marriage. The initial days of marriage were quite okay, but there always have been issues in our sexual life. I never felt my body and soul connected while having sex with him and never got satisfied when we used to. 

In our relationship, there is no cuddle, hugs, kisses, warm feelings, love, understanding, and NO SEX. I feel incomplete in every matter. I don’t know what to do or whom to talk with. I think I’m getting depressed day by day.”

“My husband and I have not had sex in the last 5 years. This year, we are going to complete our 25 years. I want sex he does not. Can you help?”

The importance of sex in a marriage cannot be understated. When it works, it allows couples to connect spiritually and emotionally while providing possibilities for pure physical pleasure. It creates intimacy, closeness, and a sense of relationship. It describes how their relationship differs from all other relationships. Sex is a powerful bond that binds it. 

When one partner is not interested in having intercourse, kissing, touching, and other forms of physical closeness, it nearly always ends silently in sexless marriages, where partners become emotionally distant. They live side by side, like two parallel railroad tracks, engaging in similar but without meaningful connection. 

A sexless marriage is solely mechanical. Friendships fade out. Under the surface, anger boils, and many misunderstandings brew. And it finally leads to an emotional divorce. 

Classified Reasons for Husband-Wife Sexless Marriage

Biological and psychological factors determine a person’s desire for sex. Many women do not feel the excitement and sexual stimulation because their partner doesn’t know how to touch them properly. Porn education has taught most men that sex is hard, fast, quick, and genital-focused, whereas the opposite is valid for women. 

Another reason prevalent in men and women causing low sexual desire is poor body image. Do you know anyone who can honestly say they are happy with their body? I don’t. Most people are experts on their obvious and not-so-obvious flaws. They feel shame and disgust. 

  • Are you unhappy with your body? 
  • Do you think your breasts and other body parts are small or too big? 
  • Do you think your penis or biceps should be bigger and your tummy flatter? 
  • Do you have difficulty relaxing when you’re naked because you are so self-conscious that you have gained weight? 

If the answer to these questions is YES, you must know that poor body image is a desire killer.

Relationship Issues

Although relationship issues are last on this list, I can confidently tell you that last is definitely not the least important. Most people need to feel good about their marriage to be turned on. Your desire will wane if you are upset with your spouse for many reasons.

Read: The complete list of reasons for a sexless marriage

How to Fix A Sexless Marriage

You deserve a pat on the back for making it this far. It indicates you’re determined to increase your desire and work on your marriage. That should make you feel fantastic. 

Many high sex drive partners have confided in me that the trouble in their marriages wasn’t so much the difference in their sex drives as it was the fact that their spouses were dismissive of their feelings and reluctant to take any action to resolve it. However, a partner with a low sex drive frequently lacks the tools or methods necessary to increase their libido. 

I had a low sex drive woman who realized her husband was having an affair with another woman. 

Let us start your desire boosting journey.

Biological solutions for sexless marriage 

You should be aware that your actions, thoughts, and feelings are reflected in your body chemistry. Because your body and mind are connected, a change in your body can impact how you think, feel, and act. Many people have testified about how regularly doing some physical activity (running, jogging, gym, yoga, sports) elevates their mood. Strenuous exercise releases endorphins, happy hormones, and a positive impact on your sex drive.

Psychological solutions for sexless marriage

Finding out what you want to change is the first step towards making yourself happier. You must have a goal. And if you believe you already know what needs to change, reconsider. Your goals are probably poorly-planned, and you should work on them more, I can tell you, without even knowing you, because most people’s goals are simply too abstract to be helpful. Start putting your objectives on paper; this is an essential first step. Written goals are a clear sign that you are serious about yourself.

Speak to a sex counselor. Sometimes, it’s challenging to get out of your rut when you struggle with issues for a long time. You will need some additional help, and thus, I recommend you to consider seeking a sex coach. Your sex coach should have specific training and be experienced in dealing with your concerns. You might consider getting on a free discovery call to understand their approach and whether they can help you with your situation.

Identify your Sexual Turn-ons and Turn-offs

Our sexual response is impacted by the sexual excitation system (SES) and the sexual inhibition system (SIS). Simply put, our sexual response is affected by both the things that turn us on and move us toward sex *and* the things that turn us off and move us away from sex. In her book Come As You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski uses an analogy of a car: the SES means the accelerator, while the SIS is the brake.

We often tend to focus most of our attention on the accelerator regarding sex. Low desire? Let’s go on vacation, light candles, buy flowers, or spend the night at a hotel. But what we often neglect is attention to our sexual brakes. For example, if negative body image is a significant factor in hitting the brakes, going on vacation or getting a hotel room for the night won’t change that. We must pay attention to our accelerators (turn-ons) *and* our brakes (turn-offs).

Read the complete list of sexy solutions for a sexless marriage

Identify your Sexual Turn-ons and Turn-offs

Final Thoughts

Working together to survive a no-sex after marriage without taking up infidelity to keep your marriage alive is an important decision, and it doesn’t just end here. You must make an effort and be consistent. 

Living in a husband wife sexless marriage has its dire consequences when one of the partners craves intimacy. 

The key to a happy marriage with lots of intimate moments is to know your emotional and physical needs and be ready to make adjustments when needed. 

Have questions regarding other issues with sexless marriage? Write to us at Get Intimacy for sexless marriage help. 

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