Touch Strategies that will help you sexually reconnect with your spouse
As a sex coach, I regularly see couples facing sexual problems in their marriage or long-term relationship. One major sexual problem that stands out among my many sessions is sexless Marriage.
I am sharing one specific client case study here: I recently coached a 32 year old young female in a sexless marriage of 9 years. Her husband is battling early ejaculation and is blaming her as the reason. She is fat according to him and thus he does not get enough arousal to get a hard-on. My female client is in distress because she wants physical intimacy and is getting none. The man on the other hand has turned complete avoidant and has no physical touch with his wife.
So, how to revive sexual attraction in a relationship?
As a sex coach, I have discovered and designed many ways to improve physical intimacy between a couple and here I am sharing a prominent one: a motivating and empowering model of touch designed by legendary sex therapist Dr. Barry McCarthy: 5 Dimensions of Touch Let me explain this powerful model of touch.
Dr. Barry McCarthy’s five levels of erotic touch model is just like gears in a car. Car gears help in adjusting the speed of the car. Similarly, these 5 dimensions of touch are 5 gears of touch help in reignite passion in marriage and overcoming sexual intimacy challenges.
These gears range from affectionate to playful sensuality, and while one gear involves sexual intercourse, there is no preference or priority of which gear is more important. Each gear of touch plays an important role in improving marital intimacy.
So let us understand the 5 gears of touch | intimacy tips for couples: affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and intercourse.
Gear 1: Affectionate Touch
Affectionate touch is not overtly sexual. It is the foundation for physical closeness between a couple and it happens with clothes on. Affectionate touch is a gentle kind of touch and lot of sex therapists advise this touch to couples in their couples therapy for sexual reconnection.
For ex: handholding, hugging or kissing. Some men mistakenly take affection as a sign of readiness for full-on intercourse, which can lead to less touch and less sex in the long run. I had a female client who would not even hug her husband because she said, the moment I hugged him, he starts expecting sex. You see lack of proper sexual communication in marriage can create so many misunderstandings between the couple.
Benefit: This gentle affectionate touch helps to kickstart things and build up the excitement.
When couple is in dating phase, they often spend a lot of time in Gear 1, and that’s what builds up desire levels and sexual tension. Many women prefer this non-sexual affectionate touch instead of rushing right into Gear 3 or 5, which is a mistake lot of men do.
On the arousal scale, it’s a gentle 1.
Gear 2: Sensual Touch
Sensual Touch is the pleasure gear with non-genital touch. You can keep your clothes on or be semi-clothed for this. Example of sensual touch is foot rub, back rub, spooning, cuddling on the couch, waking up together and engaging in deep embrace. It’s like the connector between emotional intimacy and sexual desire. On the arousal scale, it’s a comfy 1 to 3.
Gear 3: Playful Touch
Playful Touch is where things start to heat up a bit. You are venturing more into the arena of sexual pleasure and arousal, with a dash of pleasant surprise. You can be semi-clothed or even nude, and this playful gear of touch is a mix of both the intimate stuff and the non- genital touch.
For example: playful moments like showering together, full-body massage, erotic dancing, stripping, or lap dancing. What makes Gear 3 of playful touch exciting is that sense of sharing pleasure and the playful element that keeps things spicy. This gear stokes the fire of sexual desire. However, one mistake partners do is while they can be in further gears (4-5); their partners are still in gear 1-3 and are not ready to shift gears. This can lead to sexual disconnect in marriage.
On the arousal scale, it’s a solid 4 to 5.
Gear 4: Erotic Touch
Erotic Touch is a challenging yet satisfying dimension for couples to explore as it is erotic in nature but does not involve intercours. This sexual play opens so many possibilities without the pressure of reaching finish line. In this sexual play there can be manual sex, oral sex, genital to genital rubbing or vibrator stimulation. Spending enough time in this gear of touch provide couples with the vitality, creativity and novelty they need for their sexual relationship.
It is one of the important characteristics of sexually intimate people.
On the arousal scale this is at a 6 to a 10.
Gear 5: Intercourse Touch
This gear is not a performance test, but a natural continuation of pleasure. I believe couple intimacy at all gears of touch as equal, intimate and valid. The problem is that most couples only use two gears: affection and intercourse. Trying to shift from Gear 1 to Gear 5 too fast and without the other gears can result in sexual disconnection. This is a trap many couples fall into due to the belief that sex equals intercourse, but a couple’s sexuality is so much More.
If the couple can include more Gears of touch, take orgasm as a goal off the table, and mindfully focus on mutual enjoyment/pleasure, intercourse can be great.
Arousal scale? 7-10.
However, all 5 gears of touch doesn’t have to be done all in the same moment. The touches can happen throughout the day, with some days being more affectionate or sensual and just like that without proceeding to other gears. Affection and sensual touch for sure should be part of a couple’s day to day interactions.
Now that you learnt Potential Pitfalls of Being Less Sexually Intimate, use this framework for rediscovering sexual desire in your marriage and staying intimate together.
