This blog is about beginner’s guide to great sex, specifically aimed for people who are new to sexuality. First time lovers or a couple on their honeymoon. However, the tips and strategies I am offering is applicable for everyone that’s going to build the intimacy for couples. So, keep on reading.
First of all, let me start with a question/challenge I received from some couples:
“I gona married in December. I have a difference in my wife age of 7 year so i m confused about all that how to start and how to end how to long last what should she like what not in this age how can i make her horny.”
Did you see, intimacy despite being a tabooed topic, intimacy in relationships is so important. So many couples face difficulties in intimacy in sex and that is why I decided to create this guide for beginners, that is men and women who are justifiably ready for sex but have never had sex.
Your sexual attitude:
Lot of men and women even if they believe that sex is a great expression of love, have this simultaneous de-energizing feeling that sex is also kind of gross? This conflict itself can lead to major challenges in creating intimacy because I believe that your attitude about sex is really essential to defining your experience of sex. And the truth is so many of us in Indian culture still live with a sense of shame and fear and guilt and even disgust about sexuality.
Even though India is the land of Kamasutra, because of British colonization, sexual shame has become a part of our cultural legacy for last many centuries in which sexuality was and is thought of as dirty, sinful, degrading, and even criminalized. Although we’re moving into an era where sexuality can be a much more free and open expression of love, and a personal expression of pleasure, think hookups casual sex, and various types of intimacy in relationships. But we’re not there yet as a culture, and so each of us carries with us that legacy of sexual shame. And so, the first thing to work on is your attitude about sex before you decide to getting intimate.
The first step of beginning is to dismantle the idea that sex is gross, which you have to understand is not your idea, right? That is our cultural import that you have taken on. So the best way to begin is just to face the sexual shame, know that it’s not yours, and begin to question from where you are getting this feeling of sex is gross? Is it from society? Is it from your religion? Is it from your family? Is it from news? These places are often telling us that message.
How to dismantle sexual shame?
So you can choose to disagree with that cultural message, but it does take work, sometimes a lifetime of work, to really get to the real bottom of it. I am an intimacy educator working in this space for last 5 years and yet I have my own inhibitions on sex. So just be patient and compassionate with yourself, knowing that you’re not the only person to think that. I think it’s also essential to keep in mind that by changing your attitudes about sex, you are safeguarding intimacy in your relationship.
Hygiene
And basic hygiene goes a long way in creating physical intimacy in an intimate couple. I will say in the realm of sex tips for beginners, maintaining good body hygiene is at the top of the list. It’s much more pleasant to give oral sex after someone has showered, and rinsed, and is nice and clean. Yes, some people do love the dirty, sweaty body scents. But as a beginner, you can start with the ritual of preparing your body for getting intimate with another person’s. This way, you also become more comfortable in your body. So showering, using soap that’s really nice and smells lovely, and making sure you get in all your creases and crevices clean before sexual intimacy with your partner.
Before intercourse, let’s talk about foreplay
One of the ways you can really get more comfortable with your partner’s body and with your body is to explore each other’s pleasure in a more relaxed way. So then intercourse becomes a gradual extension of the exploration and play that a couple is already doing. I think this is where movies do us a real disservice. Because constantly in movies and Netflix, you see couples in romantic relationship kissing, cuddling and making out, and 2 mins later, the man is thrusting inside her. I feel so angry about it. It’s so bad because it happens all the time. It’s terrible. And that is the worst sex you can ever have. And then these movie makers and porn directors glorify it and make it as if this is what sex looks like is such a disservice to people’s bodies.
And I think the reason we feel so upset about this is because if that’s the way you have sex, it is not going to be pleasurable for a woman. The female body needs to be prepared for insertion. Being penetrated by even a little finger, let alone a big penis, is an intense sexual moment for someone. And it is so much more delicious, romantic and pleasurable if the body is fully prepared and ready for it. Half my couples counselling is focused on busting this inaccurate information that movies and porn put inside our minds.
And so foreplay is not just about going through some random series of physical acts. It’s about giving each other so much pleasure and arousing one another’s bodies that you are ready to move towards orgasm or move towards intercourse. And so, one of my golden rules of sex is that the female should have orgasms before intercourse.
Or be really close to it. So aroused that she is just yearning for it and ready for it long before you put your penis inside her. So the way you do this is by exploring one another’s bodies with your hands.
Fingering is one of the best ways to give pleasure to a woman. It has been underappreciated as a sexual skill, but if you want to stimulate her clitoris and or her G-spot area, the hands are really best suited for this. So if you are interested in female pleasure and orgasm, you need to learn how to use your hands well to give her pleasure far before you have intercourse.
