In the previous blog post, I introduced you to the real Mr. Libido! We busted the most commonly held misconception of equating low libido to a broken sex drive or worse a broken self. We also saw that Mr. Libido is not a physical drive, but a sexual expression, and is uniquely fluid by nature.
With this understanding, let us now learn Mr. Libido’s language. Listening to what Mr. Libido has to say, can help solve for so many of your questions around sexual desires, sexual health, relationship problems etc.!
Shifting Sexual Contexts
We ended our first encounter with the real Mr. Libido on the note that he is a shape-shifter. Which means that your interest in sex is bound to move through a spectrum. This concept is known as ‘Shifting of Sexual Contexts’.
Let me explain this with an analogy. Say you and your partner take a romantic getaway together to a cluster of islands. At the port of entry, there is a huge crowd of tourists. You get filed into separate queues for boarding ferries taking you to your first island stop. In this frenzy though you both end up on different ferries to neighbouring but different islands. It is going to take time and sweat for you to get reunited. One of you will have to make the effort to travel back to the port, journey to the other island and reunite with the other. The initial happy high you started off with takes a beating for sure? What can this do to your romance?
Now imagine this trip is actually your sexual journey. The two different islands you and your partner end up on, are your unique sexual contexts. And life events both internal and external play a role here. These could range from medical issues like high blood pressure or erectile dysfunction. To low libido after birth owing to one of the partners having a higher emotional and physical burden. To grieving the loss of an ill parent impacting your mental health. One of the partners in these situations would still be desiring sex, maybe at an older frequency while the sexual context for the other has shifted altogether.
Many such dynamic factors can impact your/ your partner’s sexual context. Your ever-changing sexual contexts and sexual desires cannot always sync up with the ever-changing sexual contexts and sexual desires of your partner/ partners. The first step in solving for low libido meaning, low libido reasons is to accept this.
What is Mr. Libido asking for?
Once you have seen low libido or mismatched libido for what they really mean; it can be an immediate point of alleviating a lot of your suffering. Your #sexual problems can now be understood as changes in sexual contexts. The next question is how do you overcome this?
I’ll continue with the romantic getaway example above to help you with this. How do you handle the difficult situation where you and your partner have ended up on different islands? Do you miss each other or do you blame each other? How do you re-energise the mood, so the rest of the vacation does not go sour? The answers will vary widely among all of you, depending on your/ your partner’s unique needs, desires and qualities.
“Start by being honest and specific about what you need. When you say I need more sex. Or I need you to pressure me less for sex. What is the real ask?
Here, you need to acknowledge that everyone in a relationship has high or low interest for a variety of different qualities or experiences.”
While you may think the answer is limited to Penis-in-Vagina (PIV), the truth is, your interest in sex and sexual desires mean much more!
The Creative Pool of Sexual Expression
So many of you send me queries around: What are the reasons behind low libido in women, low libido in male, low libido male in 30s? & What can we do for low libido male treatment low libido female treatment? I want to help you explore the creative pool of your sexual expression with a fun activity. When you/ your partner state that you have low libido or high libido; I want you to note:
Which of the following needs do you feel is Mr. Libido asking to be fulfilled? Once identified, can you think of alternate ways to fulfil that need?
1. Emotional Connection: Talking about life, likes, dislikes, dreams etc. Basically, deeply connecting with your partner in a manner that makes both of you feel seen, heard and/ or appreciated. “Is sex is the only path you know to get to that place of deep intimacy where you can feel naked, raw, vulnerable, and still feel held and safe in someone else’s gaze?”
2. Physical Affection (Touch): “Science is very clear that the human body wants and craves affectionate, meaningful touch from other humans.” While this could mean sexual touch, moving beyond just PIV can be helpful (think kissing, toys, sensate focus). Or can you also be fulfiled by non-sexual but intimate (massages, spooning, cuddling) touch?
3. Stress Buster: A lot of you might look at a hot sex session to allow for a physical release of stress. Can you then incorporate weightlifting, practising for a marathon or a hike with your partner, for this? Please note, I am not advising this as a proxy to your sexual activity but rather as a complementary addition.
4. Escape and Relax: So many of you might only allow yourself time off the hamster wheel through sexy time scheduled with your partner. Sexual activity then gets associated with an escape and opportunity to relax. What if you gifted yourself this relaxation through painting or gardening or just scheduling a me-time every day? What if you ditch that to-do list for a weekend and get away for a spontaneous trip?
Fulfilling your sexual desires with another human being is a beautiful experience that cannot be replicated. But, the more honest you are, in looking at what you are truly longing for and needing the most in life (the qualities and experience you feel only sex can fulfil). The more creative solutions you can come up with. The options above are by no means exhaustive; the possibilities are really endless. Mr. Libido can be made happy through this creative pool, With or Without a partner! With or Without PIV!
