Sex for the Sensitive and Empaths

Do you know that about 15% of the population comprise of Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and this is backed by scientific research conducted by Dr. Elaine N. Aron, American clinical research psychologist and author. This is not 2, 3, 4, 5%. 15 to 20% is a big number.

However, there is so less known about sex, and intimacy with a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), and there is so much to be talked about because there is so much ignorance out there on this subject. and I have been noticing this that so many HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) both men and women are showing up in my sex coaching practice with sexual problems that this topic : Sex and Intimacy for Sensitive need to be talked about.

In this article, I will talk about:

1. the definition of what it means to be a sensitive
2. how sensitivity impacts sex and intimacy
3. how you can work with your sensitivity or your partner’s consciously and
4. how embracing sensitivity can positively shift how you experience intimacy.

Sensitivity is seen as a bad trait, being too much in our society

I want to talk about my experience of sensitivity as well, because I have been on a personal journey around this. I am a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and I can see all the tell-tale signs of it. As a young, growing up girl I was told be sensitive to other’s needs, accommodate them, and less sensitive to my own needs or my own thoughts. Sensitivity was SELECTIVE directed towards others. So that became an act of sacrifice because sensitivity wasn’t understood. But I can see how sensitive I was as a child, how that would show up in social events where I’d flinch when lot of people are around me and everyone is talking to everyone. And I can really see my sensitivity as a child now.

Who is a sensitive person?

A sensitive person is characterised by deep sensory and emotional processing. For example, if you are somebody who might find overstimulation in busy and intense environments could very often have a rich inner world. Then we’ve also got the term empath, which is people can be highly sensitive and empathic or they can be one or the other. An empath is more about the sense of actually absorbing. An empath is much more about the sense of actually feeling or absorbing others’ emotional and energetic states as if they were their own. Being empathic can be a profound gift in teaching and healing work and all these different things.

The difference between Empath and HSP: A highly sensitive person, HSP, more notices and processes deeply. An empath often merges with what they’re sensing. it’s a particular flavour of sensitivity.

I struggled in my sex life because I did not understand my sensitivity.

I remember a distinct sexual encounter, where a man I was newly making out with slobbered my left arm with his saliva as he was licking it. Its not like I had an issue with saliva but that evening, I felt a yuck, a clear turn off but I overridden it thinking, it’s okay “I am thinking too much”.

As sensitives, we’re so used to pushing past our feelings, rushing past them, overriding them because we think “I am too much” or “I am taking a lot of time” or “I am too slow” or “Is my partner bored?” and all of these things. For example, women enduring pain during sex is a classic example.

It is my observation that many marriages are sexless because one partner is HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and the sex that person experienced did not honor their sensitivity.

The type of sexuality that we learn in the world, which is hot, fast, active going for goals. This is why a lot of people come to me and are attracted to my work because that is not the type of sexuality that I teach. In fact, the work we do in our SANGAM residential couple intimacy retreat | Pondicherry is about:

1. unlearning all of that

2. coming into the truth of our bodies

3. discovering our own speed, our own pace, because we’re all unique with that,

4. our own rhythms, our own cycles.

5. And it’s a more Yin style of sexuality of, exploring that Yin (feminine) space, which just isn’t in the mainstream sexuality.

And so what happens is when sensitive people experience things too much, too soon, too fast, and they shut down because for their system it is just too much. And our past can come into that as well. We being sensitive, we may have had experiences that were traumatic. And so if too much, too soon, too fast happens, it’s, we either shut down really quickly or we don’t open up in the first place. And often sensitives are people who really don’t connect with one night stands and hookups. They really need deep emotional connection as a prerequisite to intimacy.

I used to really be curious and judge myself. I would be wanting sex desperately as a physical urge but still could not get intimate with a friend or a stranger. Why would I don’t, why would I never want to do that? I will struggle between my physical urges and emotional needs. And I totally understand now why, often sensitives, need a real connection, and a real time to transition into intimacy rather than diving straight in.

Sensitive People need a different quality of touch in Intimacy

Sometimes the most slowest lightest touch can be what works and also really honoring a sensitive person’s pace. Most people lack awareness of their partner’s nature and status of sensitivity and hence this question never arrives: “If I know my partner is sensitive, what kind of touch or pace work for them?”

I can’t tell you how important that is because sometimes it might be a sensitive person can be feeling some sort of physical arousal, but he or she is not actually ready or open. And we’re so used to seeing physical arousal as the green light and go.

BUT actually we need to really tune into our systems to really feel:

am I ready?

am I opening?

And so these are some of the things that can happen. And it’s really common for sensitives to shut down because of all of this.

I am sharing, 1 important tip for having sex with a sensitive person : 

MAPPING YOUR THRESHHOLD AS A SENSITIVE

Curiosity will go a long way in having sex with a sensitive person. A lot of sex that most people do hinges on predictability. Do this, do that.. and wonderful sex happens. For ex: this male member of my Telegram group wrote about his upcoming sexual plans with his long term partner who he is meeting next month:

Hi, guys, Next weekend, I am meeting my partner after a long time apart. We have decided to explore three specific topics across three separate sessions.. The session includes foreplay using flowers, strawberries, blueberries, and massage oil. The second session consists of intercourse at a steady pace in positions such as side-by-side, butterfly, and spooning. The third session involves achieving multiple orgasms during 69, a no-touch segment where we face each other and seduce from a distance, and mutual masturbation, where she masturbates me and I masturbate her. Do you have any suggestions regarding this exploration?

There is so much predictability here but what if this partner is a HSP? Then in the actual moment of doing, their system will go through a total shutdown or later they will feel a yuck and discomfort as a residue left in their physical body and emotional mind.

Let me list down step by step process of threshold mapping during sex/ intimacy :

1. Getting curious about what happens when there is a touch coming in

2. If you do not do self-check-in and if that touch is a bit too much, you will shut down.

3. But if you can notice where your thresholds are with respect to touch

4. how much, how slow, which part

5. and start feeling into that threshold for you

6. I’m just noticing I’m starting to shut down. This isn’t not feeling, this is feeling a bit too fast for me, or this is feeling a bit too much for me.

7. Then we can have an attunement to that so that we can name it before we shut down, rather than withdrawing and disappearing, which is what can happen.

8. And it might lead to, can we just take a pause? Can we just go a little bit slower?

And so, really taking time to practice and explore what’s true in your body as a sensitive. And it’s great to do that on your own and get to know that for yourself, even though it’s going to be a different dynamic with a lover or partner. But by doing that for yourself, you’re really getting more attuned to your body, your signals, your cycles, your rhythms. So that’s some of the things to explore I will recommend before sex. And, it’s really great for partners to sort of explore and practice that together.

If your partner is a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), how does rewiring sex around their sensitivity will benefit you?

Sensitivity can be a real gift for you and your partner because you will start to slow down and slowing down leads to feeling more, noticing more. You will also discover types of touch that you didn’t know that you enjoyed because sensitivity in sex is an exploration in itself. And so it can really open up whole new explorations with partners by really honouring what you or your HSP (Highly Sensitive Partner) need. And even if you have different rhythms and paces and all of this, there’s always ways through it. There’s always possibilities. It’s not like, my partner likes this and I like that, therefore we’re game over. It just takes a new awareness and curiosity and exploration to find the way through.