“We are basically roommates now.”
The story behind these roommate marriages are mostly the same – at the beginning of the marriage, there is chemistry, there is attraction. There is a strong pull towards each other “the honeymoon phase” like they say.
And then slowly, but very steadily, the fire has faded. And it feels like you are worlds apart from each other, especially in terms of physical intimacy. You don’t remember the last time you kissed each other deeply, and not just a peck on the cheek. You don’t remember any meaningful time you spent with each other’s bodies. Both feel lonely. And because we live in a culture that expects couples to have plenty of great sex, both also feel embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help.
Many very reasonable reasons come up – baby responsibilities, work stress, parents need taking care of. And each of these reasons takes an evening, then a month, then it takes the habit of reaching out for each other, reaching out for intimacy with each other.
A marriage is said to be sexless, when sex is fewer than 10 times a year. This number in no way captures the pain, and deep emotional hurt behind the non-existent physical intimacy between a couple.
Note for the same – This number is not in itself a problem, but only becomes one when it causes distress to either one or both partners.
Usually, lack of sex is actually an indicator of several other issues, beyond the actual sexual expereinces. Some of them could be –
- Being unable to communicate with each other (both general and sexual communication)
- Fizzling emotional intimacy
- Medical issues
- Low sexual desire / mismatch in sexual desire
Rekindling starts with curiosity
Sex therapist Stefani Goerlich, in a 2022 interview with Psychotherapy.net, described how she works with couples whose desires have drifted apart. She does not treat one partner’s sexual drive as the problem to “fix”. Her job is to help them “find the Venn-connection between their common erotic maps.”
Emily Nagoski adds that when people feel safe, connected and free to choose, the brain reads sensation as something to approach with curiosity and play. Curiosity works because it removes the pressure. “Do you want to watch that movie together?” allows space for both a yes or no – to exist together.
AND the rekindling does not have to be loud!
Few extremely small gestures that can be taken towards your partner, with curiosity could look like – sitting closer to them on the sofa (than you usually would), looking at them, a few seconds more than you would. Maybe hugging them before saying bye, and holding that hug, a few extra seconds longer.
NONE of this asks for a new marriage.
Curiosity asks for fresh attention to the one you already have, and a conversation that has probably been waiting for years…
Take-aways from this article
- A sexless phase is rarely a FINAL thing. Most times, sexless marriages are built over time and are a pattern, and a pattern can be changed. It is possible.
- Silence around sexless marriages makes it feel rarer than they actually are. Talking about it honestly with your partner is the first thing that needs to change (rather than sweeping it under the rug for the 1000th time)
- Invest in your relationship. You have built your whole life around efficiency and productivity, and now you have the time but your partner-in-crime and you are worlds apart. You have the power to change that. Book an appointment with me here and take the first step towards improving your intimate life.
People change over the course of years. Your intimacy can grow & evolve too!
You can also check our upcoming Sangam Couple Retreats here.
