In this article, I will explain the difference between hot sex and slow sex and how embracing later can solve so many sexual problems (if you are facing one) and enhance the quality of your intimate life (if you are having functional, satisfactory sex already).
Here is how the hot sex model looks like:

Hot sex is model is what we know from movies, porn, and media magazines. It starts from being horny, in the mood, progresses quickly in a matter of few minutes to foreplay that involves vigorous bodily action, rubbing, stroking, stimulation, and then finishes with male ejaculation, and in certain cases also female orgasm. Hot sex has been held up as the pinnacle of sex, as the best way to have sex. But hot sex comes with pressure that most people sub-consciously know of but still follow it every time they have sex because they don’t have any other alternative.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with hot sex, the problem is when you head towards hot sex every single time it can result in a lot of pressure. And it comes with a belief that anything less than hot sex is less than, boring, lukewarm.
Understanding Slow Sex

Like others, I was also operating in hot sex approach: in my personal life and professional coaching. I was specializing in sex, and I had explored so much but then I chanced upon Diana Richardson’s work and I was like “this is it. it spoke to me. She talks about Slow Sex and reading the book, and practicing it was a jaw dropping experience for me. Slow Sex in simple terms is making love with bodies in a slow, present manner. Slow sex is one of the mindful sex practices you might have heard in Tantra schools, or Tantric workshops.
Slow Sex is being rather than doing. Relaxing rather than tensing. Vulnerability rather than performance. Not knowing rather than certainty. Gentleness rather than hardness. Peacefulness rather than intensity. Feeling rather than thinking. Slowness rather than speed. It requires presence rather than fantasy. Dropping into slow sex is an unlearning and an unwinding and it invites different parts of us to come online.
I am sharing a technique for longer sessions of slow sex
The next time when you have sex, whether it’s with yourself or a partner, intentionally create moments to pause, be present in your body and not distracted elsewhere, and notice how your body is feeling. If you notice tension or contraction in your body, take a small in-breath and deep out-breath or exhale, consciously soften your body and notice what happens.
Let me know. I’d love to hear.
However, the qualities of slow sex: Vulnerability, presence, relaxation, slowing down, being. These are qualities that we’re not used to in our capitalist hustle culture. We learn performance, productivity, speed and the dominance of the mind, starting from competitive schooling to fast-track corporate rat race. The very word deadline shows how much stress we operate in our 12 hour average work life. This is what is getting in the way of intimacy between couples where after living a stressed 9 am to 7 pm work life they are unable to feel juicy, and intimate in bed.
In this situation, the approach of slow sex for intimacy is a bedroom life saviour for couples.
Benefits of Slow Sex
Dropping into slow sex, our bodies are relaxed in the truest sense. We literally start to make love, our heart opens and the love flows and grows, enhancing sexual pleasure for both the partners. Slow sex opens you to the exquisite subtleness of the human body, to depths and vastness of pleasure and sensation that can never be found in hot sex. Slow sex benefits for couples are immense.
Slow sex and emotional connection

However, slow sex, relaxed lovemaking is a practice. It works just like emotional connection. It takes time to develop a deep emotional connection with a person right! Similarly slow sex is a lovemaking approach that involves intimacy at all levels: Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Thus, slow sex practice requires creating intentional space and time. Time to unwind the body and the mind away from the stressors and start savoring the pleasure, connection, and sensuality that slow sex brings.
I will say being patient and present is the key to exploring and experiencing Slow Sex. While hot sex is based on sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight), slow sex is based in the parasympathetic nervous system (rest and digest). You can call slow sex as oxytocin sex, peaceful sex, loving sex, relaxed sex, or relaxed love making.
Slow Sex Techniques
If you are intrigued on how exactly to practice slow sex, I have this free resource on relaxed lovemaking where I share in detail about the practice of slow sex and various slow sex techniques. You can also book a call with me for a more direct handholding and guidance on slow sex approach. Whether you are looking to revitalise your relationship or your committed to deepening what you have, we’ve got you!