Imagine a 36-year-old woman. Let’s call her Ria.
Ria has se-x with her partner and she enjoys it. She also orgasms most of the time. And if you asked her partner, he would probably say, “We have an awesome se-x life.”
But when Ria thinks about it, something feels missing.
Ria likes what they do already, but she wants more time to explore his body. She wants to feel desired, she wants to YEARN for their time together, she wants there to be intense build-up. She wants to be touched extensively, she wants a little more freedom to say, “I actually would like it better if we go slower” or “Can we spend some more time sensually touching each other?” “Can you caress my face?”
She wants to feel desired, she wants to feel yummy, she wants them to have so much more passion in their time together.
THIS is where we need to question something that has been DRILLED INTO US about sex:
An orgasm can tell you that something felt pleasurable, yes agreed. But having or giving orgasms cannot tell you the WHOLE story of your sex life.
Orgasm is NOT the epitome and NOT the peak of pleasure-filled sex life!
An orgasm is an experience. It is not a report card.
Lets take Ria’s example again.
Ria can orgasm and likes having sex with her partner. So technically, everything is working, on paper.
It is however, extremely easy, for sex between two long-term partners, to become monotonous & even predictable.
Kiss. Touch. Penetration. Orgas-m. Sleep. Like following an imaginary check-box all the damn time.
Nothing is necessarily wrong with this.
But if this is the only version of sex you know, you may start confusing having sex with having an extraordinary sex life!
Orgasm is important. Research consistently connects orgasm with sexual pleasure and satisfaction. But satisfaction is way way bigger and more expansive than whether you reached the “finish line”.
A 2025 study of 483 women in Aotearoa/New Zealand found that more consistent orgasms were associated with greater sexual relationship satisfaction, but only up to a point. In other words, the relationship was NOT simply “more orgasms = more satisfaction.” The researchers found that reaching orgasm every time was neither necessary nor necessarily better for satisfaction. #
So yes, orgasm matters.
But more orgasms do not automatically equal better sex.
Emily Nagoski puts it beautifully in her book Come Together: “Great sex in a long-term relationship is not about how much you desire sex or how often you have to do it. It’s not about what you do, in which position, with whom or where or in what clothes, even how many orgasms you have. It’s whether or not you like the sex you are having.”
Extraordinary sex is less about the finish and more about what happens along the way
Now imagine another woman, 36-year-old Meera.
She says, “I orgasm every time. But I don’t really feel like I’m having sex. I feel like I’m completing a routine.”
This exact sentence speaks volumes about how a lot of people show up in the bedroom, ready to do A, B, C. Nothing more, nothing less, always predictable. A leads to B leads to C.
But maybe Meera does not want another technique.
She may want her partner to slow down. She may want her partner to notice her reactions instead of following a rigid sequence. She want to ask for something without worrying that she is being demanding. She may want to laugh or be naughty and playful in bed. She may want to spend an hour with her partner touching each other all over without knowing where it is going.
She may want to feel desired, and not simply serviced.
And this is exactly where communication about sex becomes incredibly important.
You cannot build an extraordinary sex life entirely from guessing.
Tammy Nelson, a sex and relationship therapist, writes about how busy lives can push sex to the bottom of the list, until intimacy and connection begin to erode. Her approach to rebuilding erotic connection includes deliberately making time for it rather than waiting for it to magically happen.
Extraordinary sex is not necessarily always louder, wilder or more adventurous.
Extraordinary sex is more honest and authentic, more vulnerable and hence more ALIVE.
Take-aways to build an extraordinary sex life :
1. Stop using orgasm as the only measure of good sex. Rather ask yourself & your partner – Did I enjoy myself? Did I feel present? Did I feel connected? Did I feel free to express what I wanted?
2. Get curious about pleasure, not just techniques. You don’t necessarily always need a new position, toy or trick. Reflect on what kind of touch feels nice to you, to your partner. What helps you feel desired? What helps your partner feel desired? What helps you relax?
3. Talk about sex outside the bedroom. This might be the least sexy-sounding take-away and also one of the most useful. Do not wait until you are naked, frustrated or disappointed to talk about your sex life.
4. Seek support to understand intimacy, invest in your sex life. Your sex life very deserves your attention and your time and energy. Learn from experts – click here to book an appointment with me and work towards an extraordinary sex life. Intimacy coaching can help you figure out your sexual blocks and work on them, making way for a much much better intimate life!
We host Art of Intimacy workshops to help people talk about sex and learn and build intimacy skills, that they carry for life! Join us in your city, find our upcoming events here.
References
# Janssen, A. K., Csako, R. I., Rowland, D. L., & Hevesi, K. (2025). The satisfaction of women’s orgasms: The relationship between women’s orgasmic pleasure and sexual relationship satisfaction in Aotearoa/New Zealand. International Journal of Sexual Health
