We have learned one very specific kind of desire, and we stayed stuck there.
Picture this : you are watching a basic English romantic movie, a girl meets a boy at a bar, both look at each other and feel a sizzle, cut to the next scene at one of their homes (or a friend’s) where they are tearing each other’s clothes apart, can’t seem to get enough of each other, pushing things off the kitchen counter…and sex happens!
We see this in the movies and want to act it out in our lives. We see porn and want to act it out in our lives.
When you take a look at most couples in a long-term relationship, one conversation with them will tell you that’s not what sex looks like!
Its showcased in t.v series, in movies – and we gobble it up and try to paste in our lives.
The script being – you suddenly feel horny → you think about sex → you want your partner → you kiss for a bit → and then you have sex.
This (in Hindi we call it ghisa-pita : meaning utterly repetitive ) script – serves NOONE. Serves 0 people.
CONSIDER THIS : what if this is NOT how sexual desire works?
Picture this: In another situation, you’re not thinking about sex at all. You’re tired, distracted, busy, or simply going about your day. And then your partner kisses you. You lean in closer to each other, maybe even cuddle some. Then you start touching your partner all over, not their genitals, but everywhere else. You feel close to each other.
And somewhere along the way, you think, “Hmm… I actually want this. I Would like to have some steamy sex with my partner now.”
This is called responsive desire. And it is completely “normal” (whatever the word means to you)
Sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski puts it simply: “Please tell everyone you know: If you have responsive desire, you are already normal. No one needs to ‘crave’ sex out of the blue to be a fully healthy person.”
The problem is that we often expect desire to come FIRST. So when it doesn’t, we assume something is ‘wrong’.
Case in point –
- “I don’t feel horny anymore.”
- “Why don’t I want sex like I used to?”
- “Am I not attracted to my partner anymore?”
- “Is something wrong with me / with my partner?”
A variety of these issues come up when I work with individuals and couples in intimacy coaching.
The crux of this issue being – sometimes your desire needs a little context before it shows up.
For example, let’s think about music for a while.
You don’t always wake up wanting to dance, but lets say you hear a song you love (cue : gasolinaaa)
Maybeee you start moving a little.
And suddenly you’re dancing.
Desire can work like that too.
And this becomes even more important in long-term relationships, where life is full of work, chores, deadlines, family, stress and responsibilities.
One study of 3,687 women found that 30.7% of women who easily became aroused typically or always experienced sexual desire only after they were already aroused. #
In other words, desire doesn’t always have to come first. Sometimes, it arrives after the experience has already begun.
BUT that doesn’t mean you should force yourself into sex when you don’t want it!!
Quite the opposite actually, you should NEVER have sex just because you think you “should.”
The point is to notice what helps your desire arrive. Maybe it’s kissing without the expectation of sex, maybe it’s feeling appreciated, maybe it’s having your mind free from the 45 things you need to do tomorrow, maybe it’s flirting, maybe it’s simply having enough time to slow down!
TAKE AWAYS FOR UNDERSTANDING DESIRE :
- Desire doesn’t always come first. Sometimes connection, touch, affection and pleasure come first, and desire follows.
- Don’t turn every low-desire day into a problem. Stress, tiredness, disconnection and everyday life can all affect how available you feel for intimacy.
- Please please stop measuring your desire against someone else’s. Your partner may want sex spontaneously while you need more time to warm up. Neither is automatically “more normal.”
Understanding how your desire works can take away a LOT of pressure.
Desire has SO MUCH MORE room to show up (when the pressure is taken away!)
If you’re looking to understand your desire, pleasure, or intimacy a little better, I’d love to support you. Let’s connect. Please reach out to me at urvi@getintimacy.com
Picture Credits
- Photo by Kathy Cat
- Photo by Bethany Ferr
Reference (#)
Carvalheira, A. A., Brotto, L. A., & Leal, I. (2010). Women’s motivations for sex: Exploring the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fourth Edition, Text Revision criteria for hypoactive sexual desire and female sexual arousal disorders. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7(4), 1454–1463.
