If someone asked you what a sexually confident person looks like, what would come to your mind?
(You may think of a person irl / a public figure / a fiction character / a colour / some clothing / a certain appealing body type / anything that screams sexual confidence to YOU)
BUT : most of us learned what ‘sexy’ looks like from movies, p0rn, social media, and years of unspoken messages about our bodies. We learned how to “perform” sexuality, not necessarily how to experience it.
Real intimacy is NOT a performance.
Real people sweat. They get awkward. They fart. They laugh at the wrong moment. They need feedback. They have insecurities. They sometimes don’t know what they like AND that is okay!!!
Imagine you’re learning to dance.
When you’re focused on getting every step right, you’re tense. You’re watching yourself instead of enjoying the music. But once you stop worrying about looking perfect, your body relaxes. That’s when dancing actually becomes fun.
Sexual confidence works the same way.
It’s not about knowing every move. It’s about feeling safe enough to take up space, stay curious, communicate honestly, and enjoy the experience instead of constantly wondering, “Am I doing this right?”
Unfortunately, many things chip away at that confidence.
Body image. Past criticism. Religious or cultural shame. Stress. Feeling inexperienced. A partner’s careless comment. Comparing ourselves to unrealistic standards (set by limited media again). Over time, these experiences can make us disconnect from our bodies and treat sex like a test instead of a place for pleasure and connection. The good news?
SEXUAL CONFIDENCE IS A SKILL, AND CAN BE LEARNED.
A client that I recently worked with said this in our coaching session “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say.”
Contrary to popular belief – sexual confidence starts outside the bedroom! A lot of sexual confidence struggles to show up in very ordinary moments.
“I want to tell my partner what I like, but I feel awkward saying it. What if they think it’s weird?”
“I keep wondering if I’m good at sex. I watch their face, notice every reaction, and forget to actually enjoy myself, be with them in the moment, its like I’m seeing myself from the outside.”
“I don’t really know what I like yet. Everyone talks about knowing your turn-ons, but I honestly have no idea.”
These are not signs that something is wrong with you. They are signs that you may not have had enough space to explore your sexuality without judgment. And that is okay!
Sometimes, the person you’re with can make a huge difference. A careless comment about your body, your desire, or the way you have sex can stay with you for years.
Sexual confidence grows when you slowly learn that you are allowed to ask, explore, change your mind, and not have all the answers.
Sexual confidence also drastically changes how we communicate.
Think about the last time you wanted something during sex but didn’t say it.
Maybe you wanted more touch. Maybe you wanted to slow down. Maybe you wanted to try something different. Or maybe you simply weren’t enjoying what was happening.
Did you say it?
For many people, saying “I don’t like this” feels much harder than going along with it. Saying “I really like this” can feel surprisingly vulnerable too.
We may worry about hurting our partner’s feelings, seeming too demanding, or making things awkward.
But good sexual confidence is NOT about having the perfect words. It can be as simple as saying, “Can we slow down?”, “I like that”, “Can you do that again?”, or “I’m not feeling it today.”
The more comfortable you become with your own wants and limits, the easier it becomes to share them with someone else.
TAKE AWAYS FOR SEXUAL CONFIDENCE:
1. Sexual confidence is NOT performing. It’s about feeling comfortable enough to be yourself, communicate openly, and stay present instead of worrying about getting everything ‘right’
2. Say good-bye to shame. The messages we’ve absorbed about our bodies, desire, and sex are NOT permanent. With curiosity, self-compassion, and practice, it is absolutely possible to build a healthier relationship with your sexuality.
3. Pleasure starts with YOU. The more connected you are to YOUR OWN body, needs, and desires, the easier it becomes to create meaningful intimacy with someone else.
Building sexual confidence isn’t something that happens overnight, rather it is a journey of unlearning and reconnecting with yourself.
If you’re looking for support, guidance, or a safe space to explore these conversations, let’s connect.
You can reach out to me here : urvi@getintimacy.com
Picture credits
1. Photo by Blake Weyland
2. Photo by Brett Jordan
3. Photo from our Art of Intimacy workshop, Bangalore, 2026
