My friend Ann recently shared in a closed group that she has grown selective about
letting a man access her body. Ann was not always like that, free-spirited and wild
are some of the adjectives that suit her perfectly. At point in her life she had multiple
sexual partners and confided to me that she would jump from one bed to another. To
see this woman come a full circle from being sexually liberal, uninhibited to sexually
discerning is intriguing.
She said in the same group
“I discovered that having incompatible people in my energetic field is quite
destabilising for my energy. I observed that when I had multiple partners I was
shakier in my energy.”
We are not promiscuous but neither are we sexually exclusive property of a single
man? Both of us do not believe in monogamy or marriage as lifelong sexually
exclusive commitment.
So where does this leaves us?
I have just come out of a sexually and emotionally abusive long term relationship. In
the past, I would jump from one relationship to another, in order to leave one man I
needed the other. Often this gave me little breathing space to decide if the man was
fit for me or not. A handful of meetings, prolonged late night chats, kissing on roads
and I was ready to fall in love with that person. The result of all those speedier
interactions was always the same – either the man would ghost me, turn into a sex
predator, or stay for the namesake remaining emotionally aloof all the time. It drained
my energy trying to cope up with the heartbreak and the aloofness of that man.
Technology has turned us into an impatient breed. In one swipe of a finger or a tap
of a button, we are exposed to hundred of men/ women looking to date/ hook-up.
This has drastically impacted the shelf-life of a relationship as stakes are lowered
and back up options have increased significantly. Online attention does give you an
illusion of choice with several men/ women dropping by to say a quick hi or that quick
like. In today’s culture, we rarely have to wait for anything. We don’t know the
answer to a question, “google it” and boom! Answers are at our fingertips.
But the old saying that “good things come to those who wait,” is still relevant and
accurate! Even research indicates that the ability to delay gratification is related to
success in life and improved psychological health. Likewise, in intimate relationships,
a little delayed gratification can go a long way, and this is why I have started
practicing a 90-day probation period before I decide to be in a serious relationship
(that also involves sex) with a man. It has worked wonders for my mental sanity and
has protected me from making disastrous intimate blunders with men who sexually
objectify me.
WHAT IS THE 90-DAY DATING PROBATION PERIOD?
The 90-day dating probation period states that for the first 90-days it is important to
conservatively pace your relationship (by setting some boundaries) because, most
often, problematic patterns will start to emerge around the third month.
Think about it, most companies have a 90-day waiting period before employees are
able to receive full benefits. This is because they want 90-days to test out their hire,
to make sure they are a good fit with the company and be able to fire them if
necessary.
My experience is this: it takes around 90-days for a person’s patterns to emerge.
Whether it’s in the workplace or in a romantic relationship, the first 90-days is a
critical time of assessment.
Take a second and think back to your relationships, the beginning is almost always
the most amazing because you’re both on your best behavior and you haven’t really
hit any major bumps in the road. But people can’t contain all their issues forever, and
as a relationship progresses their real selves start to emerge. The thing is, though, if
you’ve accelerated your relationship, then it’s likely you’re already in too deep to
really see the problems that are just starting to surface.
HOW TO DO?
The first step in implementing the 90-day dating probation period is to decide
your firm boundaries.
How much will you trust your next partner in the beginning of the relationship? How
much will you depend on them in the beginning? How far will you go in your sexual
relationship?
Decide and then stick to those boundaries.
Then use those first 90-days to investigate your partner (I’m not talking about
Facebook stalking).
Don’t jump to either positive or negative conclusions without evidence that comes
from time.
Test out your hunches. If something bothers you about this partner, put it on the
table in a caring, respectful way. But then leave it there and see what that person
does with it.
You are not just trying to get to know what your partner brings to your relationship,
but also how willing they are to bend, make minor changes, and act conscientiously
toward you.
Give the relationship time so that different situations can arise that will bring out
different characteristics in your partner.
Time will allow for your partner to become more comfortable and less guarded so
that behaviors that were previously suppressed will come to the surface.
Once you’ve given the relationship some time, then patterns will emerge that will
allow you to decide whether or not you want to invest more in your relationship.
So we want to hear from you. What’s your typical pace to a relationship? Do
you tend to put things on hold for a while, or jump in feet first?
