Geeta is 36. She has been married for nine years, is blessed with a five-year-old daughter, and she runs an operations team at her company. Most nights she takes her phone to bed and scrolls until her husband Tarun falls asleep, so that he won’t reach out for her. She loves Tarun. Adores him even. But when he does reach for her, her stomach tightens. She feels herself filling up with dread & guilt. She dreads saying no again, and she feels guilty for disappointing him.
She has never told him this. Tarun believes she has completely lost interest in him, for a while now.
I hear many different versions of this story every week, from both sides of the bed.
Whether you are the one who wants $ex more, or the one who wants it less, this article is for you.
1. Understanding the WHY behind her no
Last Saturday Tarun tried again. Geeta said, “Not tonight.” He turned to the wall and told himself the story he always tells: she doesn’t find me attractive anymore.
Lets take a flashback at Geeta’s day. School drop at 7AM, a full work-day, dinner, helping their daughter with homework, and a husband who has not touched her since morning except to ask for $ex. By 10pm her body is not rejecting Tarun. It is refusing one more demand…
$ex educator Emily Nagoski writes in her 2024 book Come Together, “It is not dysfunctional to not want sex you don’t like.” A woman who keeps saying no may not be lacking desire. She may be tired of rushed, or bad sex at the end of a draining day!
For many women, desire works differently from what films & media & p0rn show. Desire takes its sweet time, just like a good cup of chai. It needs gentle heat and a little patience before it gets rich and flavourful!! So desire builds slowly, once she feels relaxed, safe and warmly touched. Researchers call this responsive desire, which simply means wanting $ex in response to closeness rather than before it. Its a good idea at this point – to reflect on what is your idea of physical intimacy? Have a conversation with your partner regarding this.
Use this guide to understand sexual communication between partners –
2. The silence costs more than the no
Priya is 41. For three years she has said yes to $ex in order to keep the peace. She watches the clock, waits for it to end and says nothing. Her husband thinks things are fine.
Dear reader, does this situation really seem fine? What do you think?
In 2025, researchers in Portugal published a study in Frontiers in Psychology on 438 people who felt distressed by $ex with their partner. Of those, 237 (54.1%) had never sought professional help, even though they wanted to. The researchers also noticed that people whose struggle was about poor communication or mismatched desire seemed less likely to reach out.
Meanwhile, couples argue about frequency, which is rarely the real issue. Emily Nagoski writes, “Great $ex in a long-term relationship is not about how much you desire $ex or how often you have to do it.” What matters is whether the $ex you are having feels good to both of you.
Try asking that on a walk, not in bed: “I miss feeling close to you. What would make $ex something you look forward to?” Then listen without defending yourself – keep your ego aside for 10 minutes, and listen.
3. Three takeaways for when $ex has stopped :
Six weeks after our first conversation, Geeta & Tarun tried something extremely simple and small. Tarun took responsibility for the daughter’s bed-time, and afterwards he gave Meera a ten minute shoulder massage with no expectation of $ex. By week four itself, her body stopped physically tensing up when he put her arm around her.
It is possible to work on your $ex life & your relationship with each other (which is being lovers before anything else!)
Take-aways :
1.Read her no as information. It tells you about the experience she is having, NOT about your worth. Ask what would make it better, and listen to what she says.
2. Make room for touch with no destination. This is one of the best ways to improve your physical intimacy. Hugs, massages, long kisses on the sofa. When touch is not a request, her body can relax, and desire grows where it feels safe.
3. Talk early, outside the bedroom. Pick a walk, a drive or a slow Sunday morning. Silence hardens with time, and one kind conversation about your $ex life is easier now than after another year of avoiding it.
4. Invest in your relationship. It is worth it. You would not expect to stay fit without a trainer or a plan, and intimacy deserves the same care! This is where we can support you:
1:1 intimacy coaching: for you or as a couple, at your own pace.
Art of Intimacy: offline workshops in major cities across India.
Sangam Couple Retreat, Pondicherry: our most sought after retreat for couples who want to reconnect in a safe, guided setting.
You may check our upcoming events here.
You may book a 1:1 appointment with me here.
Reference
Pascoal et al. (2025). Sexual distress with partnered face-to-face sexual activity: An exploratory qualitative study with heterosexual cis people who seek and do not seek professional help. Frontiers in Psychology, 16, Article 1553893.
